Closure?
No closure?
Do I lose out?
I do not know
I am still confused
I still do not know what is going on
I wish I do know
I wish I knew
I set my deadline, the deadline has passed
Then why is it so hard to let go?
Am I being tethered on the edge of a string, being strung around, unable to let go?
I really do not know
Only God knows
What will happen to my life
Once and for all
"So fucking close. Oh, and there's a woman. Yeah. A woman I love and I got close. Nearly got FUCKING EVERYTHING!!!"
So many things happened after my last post.
It felt like years has passed by, and yet it has been only weeks.
I blew up so badly 2 weeks ago, so badly I said so much hurtful things that I now probably regret.
Yet words are more hurtful than a blade, for they cut deep and leave an unhealing wound that last a very long time.
You know there is a saying, if you haven't properly heal, you will end up hurting those around you. And in some ways I think it is true, for I ended up hurting more people.
Expectations always lead to disappointment. And hence I resolve not to expect anymore. Anything happens, I will take it as a surprise. Of course this means I will be harder to be pleased, or maybe the opposite might happen. Who knows.
And I have learn to finally let go, let the past, the pain, the suffering, the sorrow, let it all go. The one I hope for, has failed me. Or maybe I expected too much, and it was just not meant to be.
No point dwelling of what may or what may be.
No point hoping anymore.
As Madara Uchiha once said, "Wake up to reality. Nothing ever goes as planned in this accursed world. The longer you live, the more you realize that the only things that truly exist in this reality are merely pain, suffering, and futility."
This is better. A single life. And maybe that is destined for me, to what I am supposed to endure in the very end. This is my punishment, for everything I have done wrong. This is indeed, the end meant for me.
I do not know how long can I go on anymore
I just do not know
I am tired, I am weary
And the journey has been long, tedious, and tiring
I hope the end is near
I really hope, I will get my answer
I shouldn't play with fire.
Because in the end I am the one who get burned.
Despite what everyone has told me before, I was just hoping I was wrong. And that people can change.
But I guess the only person who has changed, is me, and the only person who end up being a loser is me.
You pour out your entire heart to one person, and I guess nothing changes.
I can't sense it anymore.
I was just a fool.
Someone that was being used.
Some who hoped a lot, anticipated a lot, only to be hurt and cast away in the end.
I was always the loser.
This is my punishment.
I will never trust again.
September.
The very word of this month, really scares me.
It has been 2 years in a row, where both my Septembers are terrible. Last year was the beginning of the end of my marriage and the whole month I was struggling with my mental health, weeping every night, sleeping on the floor, bathing with cold water.
All the time when I was putting on a fake smile and happiness for the world to see.
I thought this year, at least, the month of September would have been a bit better. Or so I thought.
Those who stumble across my blog know how shitty it has been, and it probably hurts a whole lot more cause the person who helped me through last September is slowly drifting away this September.
Despite, all the apologies, somehow I think the hurt is way more deeper. Cause I trusted again, and let my heart and my own self to be hurt again before I could fully heal.
Not to mentioned, state maternal mortality, shit work, covering people's assess, and so much more eff up situations happening.
"Wake Me Up, When September Ends"
Green Day's song release in 2005 was about Billie Joe Armstrong's father who died in September 1982. It could be interpreted in many ways.
And for me, it is cause of the shit that I have to endured for the past 1 year.
I really can't wait for September to end, and I do not look forward to another September.
I began to reflect on myself, on why I reacted so badly to the things that has happened, to the recent week.
And then it dawned upon me, the beginning of the end of my marriage was the lack of communication. And somehow the end of eating together, where that is the best time we had to communicate about each other day and activities to one another.
I felt somehow, that is was slowly slipping away. I probably had more meals alone, then with her throughout this entire trip; and that was probably why I reacted so badly. I mean, I am already eating and cooking alone here, so when I went over, somehow, there was an expectation.
People always say, expectations will lead to disappointments. And they are not wrong. When an expectation is not fulfilled, it will lead to disappointments, and unhappiness, and frustrations. And all this will spillover, making the entire experience unpleasant, and leads to one hurting another, and both parties suffer as a result of it.
My own expectations, is what probably led to the deterioration of what we had, and my spontaneous nature, probably led to more problems, dilemmas and conflicts rather than happy thoughts.
I know she has found her happiness, good people to help her heal, and she has surrounded herself with people who will notice when she's down, or upset, or if anything were to happen to her.
And I guess that was my role, to fill in temporarily until she has healed and moved on. And moving forward, I should probably learn how to let go so that somehow, she will be free and happy. And that is what is important to me. Her happiness.
I read a quote, not all relationships are meant to end on a happy note. Sometimes they just end, because the target has been achieved, it does not need to end in happiness, for it to be meaningful.
Reflecting on, this is probably what is happening. It was something meaningful, now it is probably the beginning of the end.
She did it.
She actually managed to do it.
I actually cried, cause the hurt was so bad. And it is stupid, because we are not even a couple. Yet..... Why does it hurt so bad?? I told myself that I would never cry cause of hurt ever again.. And here I am, crying yet again.. After so long..
As Myles Smith put it:
Oh, why'd you get me so high
To leave me so low? To leave me solo?
Oh, I was wasting my time
Hoping you'd call, but damn you're cold
We had a lot of misunderstanding, a lot of "grievances". She cancelled her plans to go for the Mid-Autumn celebration with her friends, I do not know, out of guilt? Out of pity for me? Out of frustration against me?
And I can see it was hurting her, she was not happy. She was no longer happy. She just shut down right in front of me. It was happening way too often. And how can I allow that to happen? I promised to always make her happy. It was something I told myself I would do.
Yet I went to do the stupid thing and decide to go out by myself, cause she didn't want to go anywhere. She wanted to stay at home. "What is wrong with staying in?" 5 mins into my drive, this was a bad idea. So I turned back, make my way back after filling up petrol.
I came back, she was hiding in her sheets, the room dark, the lights off-ed. And I thought, alright, let us just sit in the silence. Maybe we could grab something later, or maybe not. It is okay. And so I went to take a shower.
And right as I came out, she was changed, ready to go out, albeit hurriedly. And she was 'forced' to join the celebrations. Yes I know I told her, she should join, she should not reject her friends. These are people that help her heal, and people who care about her. Yet she said she made up her mind, that she would not be joining them, and that I should drop the matter completely.
And then she walks pass by me. And she slams the door slams shut. Not even a goodbye.
It hurts. It hurts a lot. Not that cause I expected it, but cause of the way it has been carried out. And she won't know, that I wept quietly in this very room.
Exactly one year ago, 17th September 2023, my ex-wife laugh and chided me as I laid sitting down, crying on the floor, facing the end of my marriage.
And I wonder, why today is such a dejavu. Cause exactly one year today, 17th September 2024, again I laid sitting down, crying on the floor. For someone I cared deeply, to just totally ignore my existence.
Does she know why it hurts? Does she even know why it hurts? Do she even know what is she slowly doing to me? Does she even still care about me? Do I even matter anymore to her, or to her life?
I still keep the list of her likes, what she typed to me, how she liked many things and I am probably one of them too.. 1 year on, is that list still valid? Or was it just a fleeting moment, and now that moment is gone.
I guess this makes 2 out of 2 that my Mid-Autumn Festival is down in the dumps. And that is saying a lot, as usually I do not bother much with this kind of festivals. Yet, here I am, being a fool, again, to my own emotions.
This trip was a make or break, and I guess now it is a break. I guess I was just delusional, and dreaming. That I could have something with her. And now, it is time to wake up to the cruel, harsh reality, of this cold, unforgiving world we call reality.
So the answer to the question, do things even last? She asked me on 13/1/24, and probably at that time, thinking that it would not.
I guess not, since the person who asked that question made sure she made her answer loud and clear. In the end, it wasn't me who couldn't last, it was that I wasn't given the chance to last in her life.
How can one slowly drift apart without trying, is that even possible?
Somehow despite on the surface everything looks fine, everything looks nice, somehow why does my heart tells me that something is slowly changing?
Can people drift apart without even trying? Or maybe was I delusional into thinking that something more could have come out from this? That the next step was possible? That somehow, I could have healed and moved on in this life?
Was I that naïve? Was I that blinded to think that maybe, I finally found someone who really suits me but in the end, it doesn't even matter? That somehow I would be stuck in this limbo, unsure of what am I to that other person.
Maybe I have come to visit this place too much, maybe now my presence is just like another normal thing in her life, maybe she just needs to "accommodate" me every time I come and it could be tiring, or even, something worst, for her.
And as much as I know her point of view, and her reasonings, somehow I just want to be included in her plans, in her outings, whenever she goes out with her friends, that I can be there as well. I guess my presence complicate things, there is no reason that can explain why am I even there, because there is none to begin with.
Because ultimately in the end, what are we? Nothing more than being good friends at this moment, and probably never will be more than that.
"Nice Guys Finish Last"
I never knew the real reason behind the lyrics of that song, now I do know. Maybe I have been too much of a nice guy, and hence, always finish last, always fail, even when I give it my all, it still falters. This is what it is meant to be in the end, to finish last, and alone, in a cold, rainy night in Stoke.
Do thinks actually last?
She asked me this question way back in January 2024. At that time, I thought something was blossoming, something new, something afresh. After what I had been through, I thought maybe I was given a second chance.
Or maybe I thought wrong, or the chance came to early, or maybe it was not meant to be?
I always felt something was changing in May, or towards the end of May. Something was just well, different, subtly, but surely. The conversations ends early, the good night wishes slowly disappear. Now sometimes even the mornings are forgotten. Slowly we are sucked back into the reality of life, slowly going through the motions.
If this was like any other relationship, then yes, one could say this is a natural progression of things; there are bound to be ups and downs. However, it is not in this case, it is more complicated than that, it is a borderline between a situationship and two best friends just accompanying each other.
I wish for a lot of things, and yet I know these are my thoughts alone. I am pretty sure she knows, I know it all too well.
The funny thing about the plus one for the wedding, I quietly and secretly waited until the very last minute, that maybe, just maybe, she would ask "Hey, would you like to come?" or "Would you like to join the after party?"
Sadly, there was no such questions, and my thoughts linger on, or what mays. I ended up going to the Tiger Food Festival alone, because why not? There was nothing for me to look forwards to anyways. And well, when the next day message came as "I don't think I will be able meet you today though", it didn't come as a surprise. In fact I already had agreed to do locum for that day, because well, I was 99% sure I wasn't going to see her.
Here is the kicker. Exactly 1 year ago today, I left her, alone, after an event, and that would have been the end of everything. And till date, I still feel like shit for what has happened. Maybe she has already forgotten, but things like this, somehow, I will never forget. Yet now I wonder, 1 year later on, am I the one being left alone, after all the events that has happened?
So back to the questions, after all that has happened:
Do thinks actually last? Maybe now it is my turn to ask her the same.
Just randomly looking at old YouTube videos, how people were making videos during the last pandemic, during the last MCO. It just felt like yesterday, but it has been really 4 years already. And so much has changed in the past year, for me personally.
I stumbled across a song, that I used to enjoyed so much as I worshipped. Come Alive by Collective KL, such an amazing song, and something that still impacts to me until today.
Go and check it out, when you have to time. It reminds me, how we all come alive, when God is in our lives.
Maybe that is what I need now, to come alive again. Enough with the emo-ness, enough with the sadness, enough with that self doubting, downcasting, and self-blaming.
It is time to Come Alive.
I should quit
Or maybe I should just give up
It doesn't matter what I do, how hard I try, how much I try to strive forward
In the end, life gets to you, beats you down, throws you out, and aims to destroy you
As much as I hope for a better life, I just cannot see it. I find myself drowning, alone, the silence is deafening
No one is there, to notice, the broken, the sadness, the loneliness
In the end, in this world, you are all alone
And that is the unfortunate reality
This is the path that has been laid out for me, and this is the path I will walk, no longer deviating
As others are content and happy with their life, I slowly go downward into the spiral
And even the other person, doesn't even realize it, or maybe finds it to repetitive to bother about me
This is the path, that I have to walk alone
In the end, as Green Day says it, "I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known, don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone"
I thought I had managed to get my thoughts better, under control.
The last time my mind went haywire was end of June 2024, in Melaka, after finished hanging out with my friends.
This weekend was supposed to be a good weekend, attending conferences, watching a comedy show, doing things that we like.
And yet, once she left to go back to her place, I felt empty, alone, again. Why? Why do these feelings keep happening to me? You thought that things would have healed, or begin to heal? Then why do I still go through this over and over again.
I think, I am very good in masking myself. I am, I can pretend to be happy, to be the extroverted me. Social media would be alight of the good stuff. After all, we all put on a mask to bring a smile to people's face.
Yet I am envious, jealous, of people having complete families. Friends and colleagues, with their sons and daughters; and here I am, only can look back and wonder where did it all went wrong.
Forever coming back to an empty room, an empty house. Driving back alone, crying, sobbing away. No one knows the pain, no one will ever know.
I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, not even to my foes, because loneliness is the most crippling thing a person could ever face in their entire life.
Sometimes I wonder, I just wonder, a lot of what ifs, what if things.. were only a little different..
My current life style
Work
Locum till 12 am
Sleep
Work
Locum till 12 am
Sleep
Sometimes I get back home 6pm
Somtimes oncall
Most of the time I can't sleep well, the days I can I still wake up every hour
To an empty bed, an empty room
Returning to an empty house
It feels.. different.. The hurt is still there, it won't go away..
They say times heal, I wonder how long I will take. I wonder will I ever heal.
Do I still deserve good things? Do I even still deserve anything in life?
I don't know.
The only way to sleep now, is drinking. Get tipsy, get drunk, go to sleep. Wake up next day, regret. So I try to avoid doing that.
I need a new life. I need a new hobby.
Maybe I just need.. a bit more time..
Sometimes I wonder is it my problem, that I can't sustain relationships, even if you can even consider that at the moment.
I still end up hurting the people I love the most, that I treasure the most. I still end up being somewhat deficient, lacking.
And despite trying my best, pouring my heart and soul into one, I still fail to achieve or leave up to a certain expectation.
Or maybe, it wasn't just meant to be. Maybe I was living in a fantasy world. Maybe I do not deserve any second or third chances in this life.
I should just closed myself, hide forever, and be forgotten by this cruel world.
As I lay typing this out in my own house, it is so quiet, that the dark thoughts are easily creeping in. Suddenly jumping down from the 15th floor sounds like a very plausible thing to do.
No one knows. No one knows my insecurity, my fear, my mental state that is so fragile at the moment. And the last person who knows about this, has also been hurt by me and also has begin to shut my off.
Maybe, there is no need someone like me in this world after all.
Secondhand Serenade..
And yet.. These last few months, I finally comprehend them.. These songs.. They resonate with me.. And unfortunately.. I finally understood them..
It took such a life changing event, one that turned my entire world 180 degrees.. For me to finally understand and appreciate these things.. I leave tonight, leaving the lyrics of "A Twist In My Story" behind.. My life definitely has taken a twist, the biggest twist yet..
A Twist In My Story by Secondhand Serenade
Slow down, the world isn't watching us break downSleep.
It is such a precious commodity these days. I used to be able to sleep so easily, to fall asleep to easily, to feel like secured in away.
The sad reality is that this easiness has left me since September 2023. I lay awake in the bed these days, up for hours, thinking about life, thinking about what has happened, thinking of a lot things that is happening around me.
I can no longer have the peace, the restfulness after a good nights rest. Even when I do fall asleep, it is waking up every 1-2 hours, looking, staring, before trying to drift back off into slumberland.
When will I be able to have another good nights rest? When will I ever be able to sleep peacefully? When will I ever be able to go back to bed without a care or worry for this world?
It may never happened. It may be a permanent effect. Maybe I have forever doomed into this cycle of torment.
Sleep. How I have miss it.
I guess it is time to wake up to reality.
Two events. Two times. In the space of a week. Both times I brought nothing but fear, worries, a situation that cannot be explained. Two situations where the other party was emotional, hiding in fear, and of course the fear of being judged again.
It is until that it is almost criminal to be seen together by others, and yes because of the reputation that has been there in previous years.
Where did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? I tried to make her happy, I really try my level best. And yet I feel that she is only comfortable around when it is only the two of us. In an event where there are others, I need to give space, I need to hide, I need to 'disappear.' After all, I cannot be explained, after all, what is us?
Is this it? Is this how it has come down too. "I am happy with you, but I thought I was happy when I was with X also." Word that stung so badly.
In the end, it is my fault. I cause the situation that is at hand. I was supposedly freed and allowed to be happy again, allowed to live my life, given a second chance. I chose to be with her, and if I did get hurt in the process, it is all on me.
Wake up to reality, I guess that is the final message of the day.
I went back to my own home, my first property that I bought to have a look since finally the ex has left the building.
And what was greeted in front of me was just.. a trail of mess.. Boxes left a strewn, the guest room still full of leftover cloths from previous bow business, a pan left unwashed, leftover vegetables and even an expired loaf of bread in the fridge, the gas stove hose still connected to the gas tank, and so much more that I cannot mention.
And I just sat down, thinking about it all, it was all too overwhelming for me. I shed a tear, a place that I used to call my own home, is now just a speck of its former self.
Where did it all go wrong? Where did it all went south? I sob, as I contemplate on the fate that has befallen on me. And I went about to clean a bit, for it was getting very very late and I need to go back to my workplace.
The icing of the cake was when I discovered a backflow of water from the kitchen outlet, pieces of leftover food and grease spilling out and from the drain cover, filling the air with a 'nice' aroma. And I begin to scoop the goo out by hand, and I mopped, and I cleaned, and I just went about my business.
I guess in the end, I deserve all this. I deserve what that has happened, and it has become my burden to bear, and mine alone. I became to doubt myself, what kind of a person I really am, would I hurt again someone I loved, would I destroy everything that was built, would I just be another bad person in someone's life.
I ponder all this as I type away in the wee hours of the morning, alone with soft humming of the air-conditioning in my rented room, with my own dark thoughts surrounding me. Maybe it is best if I stayed alone, for the remaining of my life...
Sometimes I wonder, if I get too emotional? If I have gotten so selfish that I forget to think about the feelings and situation of the opposite party.
I just recently attended a course in the Borneo regions, the course was important but there was someone important attending as well; hence that is the main reason why I went.
At that point of time, I thought I could handle things. That I thought, despite the warning, that it wasn't going to be difficult. I mean, how hard can it be right? I guess I was wrong. And I was selfish. I figured if I played my part well enough, it should suffice. There is time right? Even after course, we could hang out and just spend our time together before heading off back home to our respective locations.
Or so I thought, and when things didn't panned out as it supposed to be, I guess I lost the plot.
I didn't think through of what it could affect the opposite party. And while it was not intentional, as she herself was caught in a unwilling situation, I guess I took it harshly and didn't think of her side or situation as well. And my emotions showed terribly, it was so obvious that the company I was with also noticed the sudden changes in my mood.
I guess, I was selfish. I wanted 24/7 with her, I wanted to do everything together, and when I saw that it was not the case, maybe I just snapped and became emotional. I would gladly tell everyone that she is someone special, that I could proudly show to the world. However I guess it will take time, and more time for me to understand everything that has happened.
Sometimes I wonder if I have become aa hindrance in her life, has my presence also complicate matters. I guess there is no easy answer, and definitely this will be a long and arduous road. And I definitely should be more understanding of her situation, we after all live in a very conservative nation. It probably won't be easy to share things out, and my unfortunate brain thought of so much stupid scenarios that just didn't help the matter at all
I only hope to mature and be more understanding, and to improve on myself. To be more sensitive, more understanding, and definitely much more patient. Get yourself together JT, and continue to strive forward. And work towards a better future.
I really should stop drinking. This particular week I have been drinking nonstop. 4 mugs of Carlsberg on Thursday, a few whiskeys on Saturday, and now another 4 mugs of Carlsberg. In my defense, it was MU vs Liverpool, still I guess is no excuse.
Yet again my thoughts are turned to a certain someone. Someone that I hold very dear now, someone that is close to me, someone that I can consider my best friend now. Someone that I look forward to message every day, someone that I can share my life with, someone that was through with me during mty darkest period, someone who has given me hope once again.
I always wonder the "What ifs?" Fate after all, has a funny way of bringing people together. What started off as just wanting to gossip about someone's past love life ended up drawing 2 people closer. And of course, the fact that my last few posts of what happened to my marriage life, well I guess you get the point.
Again, I wonder, would I get another chance at love? Would I be deserving of having another in my life?
She is much more wary now, obviously no thanks to certain events that has happened in her life. And yet something tells me she also hopes that something can work out from this. I do not know whether I am overthinking or not. You know how they say, once you found that special someone that you can clicked with, you never want to let go. Ever again? I guess that is my situation now.
Despite everything that has happened, she is honestly the kindest, most gentle soul, I have ever encountered. Her desire to make sure that the other party is taken care of, is so unique to her alone. And yes, sometimes, I expect a bit more, or I do not know, maybe guilt trip a little. This is very bad of me, she has gone through so much, the least I can do is give her time.
If someone, is not at all interested in you, or treat you special, would that someone agree to go on trips with you? Spend their time with you? Look forward to every good morning, and good night? To ensure that you are safe? To make sure you have eaten? To buy things for you? To just enjoy moments with you?
Sometimes I wonder, at what stage are we now? And I am so so annoyed, angry even, that she is who she is today because of what happened to her in the past, because of how she was taken advantaged? And how that particular person is still doing this over and over again, never learning from his mistakes; while she is just learning to cope and overcome the ordeal that she has went through.
I really, really, really, wish that we could progress one day. I still hold onto that hope, that something can come out from this, that my dreams can yet still be fulfilled. However, I also need to be realistic that, sometimes our plans are not His plans, and what we desire might not be what is His desire or us.
Yet she is special to me and is probably the motivation that keeps me going in this life at the moment. I wish for so many things, yet again is just wishful thinking of me. A marriage, a family, children, grandchildren. I dare to dream again, because she has given me the reason to dare to belief such things are possible. And yet, these things are so fragile because of how fragile our nature is.
And honestly, I do not know what the future holds, but I thank God that he has given me her. And I pray that she be the one, that I will be able to spend the rest of my life with.
I dreamt.. Of a wedding..
In that dream, it was me.. and her.. and our families.. in a small church.. just among families.. I cannot recall if there were friends around, but I have already planned that if I am to invite people, it will be those close to me.. Very close..
As you grow older, you noticed your circle of friends get smaller. And that is the reality, that when you are at your lowest point; only a handful of friends are willing to check on you and make sure you are really well. The vast majority becomes like leaves, move along as they are blown by the win, maybe occasionally stopping by to say "Hi," but never long.
Do I crave for love? Do I wish that I have a second chance? Have I overthink so much until I dream about the wedding, a second chance. Can I even have another wedding in church after my first has failed? Will the church even accept? These are questions are so difficult to answer, yet I wish someone can answer them.
Can I have a future with her? Would it be even possible? Or would I end up second best again? So many of time I have ended second best, even my previous I have somehow ended second best. Am I destined to be single for life? Never to know the feeling of having a child running in my house? I do not know, I do not have the answers.
I dreamt of a wedding.. And sometimes, I wished that is the reality..
Why do I always, cause the other party to worry?
Why do I always ask or say the wrong things, at the wrong time?
Is it who I am? Is it me who always end up hurting or destroying a relationship?
Guilt tripping.. Something that I went through myself, something that was so hard on me as the other party used to guilt trip me so badly.
And sometimes, inadvertently I also do it to someone I care now.
Yes, I care for someone now. I really do. She has helped me so much throughout the months that went by, who stuck by me, who told me things will be alright, who helped me open my eyes and see the truth.
And yet, all I can do is just hurt, give worry, sometimes even guilt trip.
Do I even deserve a second chance, do I even deserve another chance at loving another person?
Or is it just who I am, someone who is destined to always cause a problem, a dent, a ripple in the relationship?
I wish I can answer this question, I wish I am more matured in handling this issue.
I wish only for happiness for the other party, and although I accept that sometimes there will be downs, but I don't want to cause more tears of sorrows than tears of joy.
I have made this person cried twice, badly, in the past. I have been cold, and even abandoned her during an event. Despite all is forgiven, till today, I do not think I can still forgive myself over that.
And that is what also makes me wonder every night, do I deserve someone like her as my redemption, as someone I can build my life with again.
I honestly do not know. I hope the answer will be clear, but as for the moment; "I cannot explain us," is probably the most amicable answer that I can get.
A situationship that might not turn into a relationship in the end. And I have only myself to blame in the end.
4/4/24 - I didn't notice how perfect the date could be.
It couldn't be any better, to post again. Almost 11 years after my last post.
And even at that time, my last post was about relationship.
And here I again, typing, about my life.
Where to even begin? So much happened in the past 9 years, so much happened in the past 9 months. One moment you are married, the next moment, boom, you're single again. When you say your vows, you always think that it will be forever. You plan a life until you both grow old, talking about what will you do, where you will visit, how to start a family, where will you settle down, etc, etc, etc.
Yet life has funny ways of throwing a curve ball at you. To derail your plans, to ruin everything. And suddenly you are thrown in a limbo, unsure what your next step will be, unsure where will you go from here onwards.
Maybe the writing was on the wall, after all, no marriage is perfect. Maybe we were just patching wet tissue paper on a crack that was becoming so huge, you can no longer plaster it. Maybe in the end, we just drifted and decide to fall out of love. You can blame family, your job, your friends, your circumstances. Yet ultimately I would live with the knowledge that everything ended because of what was started at the beginning.
So where do I go from here? The sleeps, it has become less restful. I still get nightmares from time to time, I still wake up every hours on nights. Even at this time now, the reason I decided to put my thoughts down is because, it is slowly eating me from the inside. And so few, so very few know what is happening to me; I do not even want to share with my elderly parents, because I fear their hearts can no longer take it, to see their son slowly suffering as he tried to navigate this cruel and unjust world.
Could I ever stop blaming myself? Maybe one day yes. Maybe one day I will come to terms of what really happened. I did discover things in the end that makes me have some form of closure, that in the end it was not entirely my fault that I was led to belief in. And yet one could only wonder, what if, what if things were a little different.
And so where do I go from here? Where do I turn to? Where do I run and hide away? It is a very difficult question. At the moment I am just focusing on finishing my gazettement as a internal medicine specialist; and yes in the span of these 9 years I have graduated as a doctor, worked my way up to my post graduate and hopefully soon, to be recognized as a fully fledged specialist.
Honestly, to be very honest, I have loathed the person I have become. From a person who was once so sure about life, so secured about it, to now, this... A person who is so afraid of losing things, that tries to grasp hold onto everything he can. A person slowly drowning on the inside, where the nights become frightful, and the mind wonders to the very deeps of the darkest corners. I have probably gone through and overcome the worst of it, the first few months were torrid, but today a comment to me "Why your eyes look so dark, so sunken?," and probably for the first time in months I realized how much this has really taken a toll on my physical state.
This space, will now be the place I will start expressing my thoughts, and hopefully, it will be the beginning to the road of recovery. Honestly I wonder will anyone read, is BlogSpot still a thing today? No one knows. And probably no one ever will. And yet, I need a space to let it all out, and I can't constantly be letting it out on the people who I hold close me. It is not fair to them, this is after all my burden to bear, and mine alone.
And hopefully one day, I will be able to sleep well again, without the nightmares.
