Someone special

I really should stop drinking. This particular week I have been drinking nonstop. 4 mugs of Carlsberg on Thursday, a few whiskeys on Saturday, and now another 4 mugs of Carlsberg. In my defense, it was MU vs Liverpool, still I guess is no excuse.

Yet again my thoughts are turned to a certain someone. Someone that I hold very dear now, someone that is close to me, someone that I can consider my best friend now. Someone that I look forward to message every day, someone that I can share my life with, someone that was through with me during mty darkest period, someone who has given me hope once again.

I always wonder the "What ifs?" Fate after all, has a funny way of bringing people together. What started off as just wanting to gossip about someone's past love life ended up drawing 2 people closer. And of course, the fact that my last few posts of what happened to my marriage life, well I guess you get the point.

Again, I wonder, would I get another chance at love? Would I be deserving of having another in my life?

She is much more wary now, obviously no thanks to certain events that has happened in her life. And yet something tells me she also hopes that something can work out from this. I do not know whether I am overthinking or not. You know how they say, once you found that special someone that you can clicked with, you never want to let go. Ever again? I guess that is my situation now.

Despite everything that has happened, she is honestly the kindest, most gentle soul, I have ever encountered. Her desire to make sure that the other party is taken care of, is so unique to her alone. And yes, sometimes, I expect a bit more, or I do not know, maybe guilt trip a little. This is very bad of me, she has gone through so much, the least I can do is give her time.

If someone, is not at all interested in you, or treat you special, would that someone agree to go on trips with you? Spend their time with you? Look forward to every good morning, and good night? To ensure that you are safe? To make sure you have eaten? To buy things for you? To just enjoy moments with you?

Sometimes I wonder, at what stage are we now? And I am so so annoyed, angry even, that she is who she is today because of what happened to her in the past, because of how she was taken advantaged? And how that particular person is still doing this over and over again, never learning from his mistakes; while she is just learning to cope and overcome the ordeal that she has went through.

I really, really, really, wish that we could progress one day. I still hold onto that hope, that something can come out from this, that my dreams can yet still be fulfilled. However, I also need to be realistic that, sometimes our plans are not His plans, and what we desire might not be what is His desire or us.

Yet she is special to me and is probably the motivation that keeps me going in this life at the moment. I wish for so many things, yet again is just wishful thinking of me. A marriage, a family, children, grandchildren. I dare to dream again, because she has given me the reason to dare to belief such things are possible. And yet, these things are so fragile because of how fragile our nature is. 

And honestly, I do not know what the future holds, but I thank God that he has given me her. And I pray that she be the one, that I will be able to spend the rest of my life with.