11 years on....

4/4/24 - I didn't notice how perfect the date could be.

It couldn't be any better, to post again. Almost 11 years after my last post.

And even at that time, my last post was about relationship.

And here I again, typing, about my life.

Where to even begin? So much happened in the past 9 years, so much happened in the past 9 months. One moment you are married, the next moment, boom, you're single again. When you say your vows, you always think that it will be forever. You plan a life until you both grow old, talking about what will you do, where you will visit, how to start a family, where will you settle down, etc, etc, etc.

Yet life has funny ways of throwing a curve ball at you. To derail your plans, to ruin everything. And suddenly you are thrown in a limbo, unsure what your next step will be, unsure where will you go from here onwards.

Maybe the writing was on the wall, after all, no marriage is perfect. Maybe we were just patching wet tissue paper on a crack that was becoming so huge, you can no longer plaster it. Maybe in the end, we just drifted and decide to fall out of love. You can blame family, your job, your friends, your circumstances. Yet ultimately I would live with the knowledge that everything ended because of what was started at the beginning.

So where do I go from here? The sleeps, it has become less restful. I still get nightmares from time to time, I still wake up every hours on nights. Even at this time now, the reason I decided to put my thoughts down is because, it is slowly eating me from the inside. And so few, so very few know what is happening to me; I do not even want to share with my elderly parents, because I fear their hearts can no longer take it, to see their son slowly suffering as he tried to navigate this cruel and unjust world.

Could I ever stop blaming myself? Maybe one day yes. Maybe one day I will come to terms of what really happened. I did discover things in the end that makes me have some form of closure, that in the end it was not entirely my fault that I was led to belief in. And yet one could only wonder, what if, what if things were a little different.

And so where do I go from here? Where do I turn to? Where do I run and hide away? It is a very difficult question. At the moment I am just focusing on finishing my gazettement as a internal medicine specialist; and yes in the span of these 9 years I have graduated as a doctor, worked my way up to my post graduate and hopefully soon, to be recognized as a fully fledged specialist.

Honestly, to be very honest, I have loathed the person I have become. From a person who was once so sure about life, so secured about it, to now, this... A person who is so afraid of losing things, that tries to grasp hold onto everything he can. A person slowly drowning on the inside, where the nights become frightful, and the mind wonders to the very deeps of the darkest corners. I have probably gone through and overcome the worst of it, the first few months were torrid, but today a comment to me "Why your eyes look so dark, so sunken?," and probably for the first time in months I realized how much this has really taken a toll on my physical state.

This space, will now be the place I will start expressing my thoughts, and hopefully, it will be the beginning to the road of recovery. Honestly I wonder will anyone read, is BlogSpot still a thing today? No one knows. And probably no one ever will. And yet, I need a space to let it all out, and I can't constantly be letting it out on the people who I hold close me. It is not fair to them, this is after all my burden to bear, and mine alone.

And hopefully one day, I will be able to sleep well again, without the nightmares.