11 years on....

4/4/24 - I didn't notice how perfect the date could be.

It couldn't be any better, to post again. Almost 11 years after my last post.

And even at that time, my last post was about relationship.

And here I again, typing, about my life.

Where to even begin? So much happened in the past 9 years, so much happened in the past 9 months. One moment you are married, the next moment, boom, you're single again. When you say your vows, you always think that it will be forever. You plan a life until you both grow old, talking about what will you do, where you will visit, how to start a family, where will you settle down, etc, etc, etc.

Yet life has funny ways of throwing a curve ball at you. To derail your plans, to ruin everything. And suddenly you are thrown in a limbo, unsure what your next step will be, unsure where will you go from here onwards.

Maybe the writing was on the wall, after all, no marriage is perfect. Maybe we were just patching wet tissue paper on a crack that was becoming so huge, you can no longer plaster it. Maybe in the end, we just drifted and decide to fall out of love. You can blame family, your job, your friends, your circumstances. Yet ultimately I would live with the knowledge that everything ended because of what was started at the beginning.

So where do I go from here? The sleeps, it has become less restful. I still get nightmares from time to time, I still wake up every hours on nights. Even at this time now, the reason I decided to put my thoughts down is because, it is slowly eating me from the inside. And so few, so very few know what is happening to me; I do not even want to share with my elderly parents, because I fear their hearts can no longer take it, to see their son slowly suffering as he tried to navigate this cruel and unjust world.

Could I ever stop blaming myself? Maybe one day yes. Maybe one day I will come to terms of what really happened. I did discover things in the end that makes me have some form of closure, that in the end it was not entirely my fault that I was led to belief in. And yet one could only wonder, what if, what if things were a little different.

And so where do I go from here? Where do I turn to? Where do I run and hide away? It is a very difficult question. At the moment I am just focusing on finishing my gazettement as a internal medicine specialist; and yes in the span of these 9 years I have graduated as a doctor, worked my way up to my post graduate and hopefully soon, to be recognized as a fully fledged specialist.

Honestly, to be very honest, I have loathed the person I have become. From a person who was once so sure about life, so secured about it, to now, this... A person who is so afraid of losing things, that tries to grasp hold onto everything he can. A person slowly drowning on the inside, where the nights become frightful, and the mind wonders to the very deeps of the darkest corners. I have probably gone through and overcome the worst of it, the first few months were torrid, but today a comment to me "Why your eyes look so dark, so sunken?," and probably for the first time in months I realized how much this has really taken a toll on my physical state.

This space, will now be the place I will start expressing my thoughts, and hopefully, it will be the beginning to the road of recovery. Honestly I wonder will anyone read, is BlogSpot still a thing today? No one knows. And probably no one ever will. And yet, I need a space to let it all out, and I can't constantly be letting it out on the people who I hold close me. It is not fair to them, this is after all my burden to bear, and mine alone.

And hopefully one day, I will be able to sleep well again, without the nightmares.

Second best

So once again I've came off second best. This is like becoming a norm for me. Haha. However as my friend put it, this is life, you have ups and you have downs. Now he will probably scold me for being a retard again for saying this, but I'm going to say it. The first one ended on 1st April 2012 (April Fool's Day), the current one 1st May 2013 (Labour Day). Any bets the next one will be 2nd June 2014 (Agung's bithday)?? XD

In both I've chased, in both I've confessed, in both I've prayed but no answer and in both I ended up second best. The only difference between the first and the second was I was better informed in the second one than the first. At least it didn't ended up with an email 10 days later. Haha. However that is in the past, now is the present. For the first I thank God that He opened my eyes, it was probably better that we didn't start at all. As for the second I'm still waiting for God's revelation to me. It'll probably take some time, like the first but I'm sure there's a reason behind it.

So what's next for me? Nothing I guess. I feel numb, that's all I can say but I'll get over it soon enough. As for now, there won't be anyone in this place that will ever fit my criteria. And I probably won't fit into any other girl's criteria either. The good thing is that in both cases, we are still friends, the second being closer friends. Maybe it's better this way. With so many things in between, maybe this is the only way.

For the second, I wish you all the best with the one you love. I really hope to see you happy, especially after what you've been through. 3 years down the road (if it all goes according to plan) I'll be anticipating a wedding invitation at my door step. As for me, I'll continue to pray for perseverance, wisdom and patience from the Lord. I guess the message 2 weeks ago on Isaiah 40:31, "But those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint", is reminding me to wait patiently for Him, for His good plan to be revealed.

All glory be to God, The Father. Amen. =)

The Truth Hurts

Sometimes the truth can really hurt. However you prepare yourself for it, you just can't take it when it really strikes you. Somehow, somewhere, that's a part of you inside there that might just 'die' or a wound is open and it takes a long time to heal.

Let's take a look at the Kubler-Ross model. It is a theory that was proposed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross on the 5 stages of grief. There are: 

a) Denial

b) Anger 

c) Bargaining

d) Depression

e) Acceptance

Sounds familiar? Now the above is usually applied in a context when a person receives news that he/she is going to die from a terminal illness. Naturally, the person will deny the fact, thinking it's a joke or a dream. When denial can no longer continues, anger kicks in. The person can be angry at himself, at others, at the world, at God. The third stage comes in when the individuals hope he/she can postpone the inevitable, maybe trade something for extra life (figuratively speaking). Depression sets in when the person is faced with the harsh reality that they are really going to die. They begin to isolate themselves from the world, refuse friends and family visits, etc. And the last of all is acceptance. Here person comes to term of his/her death and is prepared to face it. The person accepts that he/she can't do anything any longer and is prepared to embrace death with open arms.

Now u all may be wondering. How did I diverted from the truth to something to do with  grief? If you ask me, I would answer I see a link somehow with our daily lives. In the Kubler-Ross model, the truth is receiving the bad news, the point of no return. Similarly, in our lives when we received a bad news, someone has died, your parents got a divorce, you had bad results or your bf/gf decides to dump you; we basically go back to the same cycle. 

We wouldn't believe it at first, thinking it all as a fairy tail. After that we get angry, most likely at the person or at life, depending on the situation. Bargaining will probably not suit in here but if say your partner decides to end the relationship you'll probably try to ask for an extra chance or to give it another go. If that fails that's where you enter into the depression; isolating yourself, it's you against the world kind of situation. Now here is the scary part, you can either get out of depression and accept the cold hard truth or you simply stay in depression forever which will affect you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The key point here is knowing how to get out of the depression stage, if not your whole life is going to end up in a mess.

Acceptance. A human physiology. A person's assent to the reality of the situation without making any attempt to change it. Once you have accept the truth, it means two things. You believe that nothing you do can change the reality of the situation, most likely going to blame yourself or something or someone for the mess that you are in OR you have simply decided to move on.

And the same applies for me. When I finally found out the truth about something, I went through the same ordeal as above, except the bargaining part because I knew it was pointless. Yet I had parents and friends to console me and above all God is there to show me His great plan for me. I may have miss out this time, I may not know the real plan installed for me but I am damn sure not going to let it get at me. I'll rise up and move on and wait patiently on the Lord as He install His plans into my life. And yes, this is a continuation of some sorts from my previous post. So yeah, thank you everyone for helping me and  also taking time to read this super long not so epic post. XD

Went through a similar situation? Willing to share out? Leave me a comment or share it in my cbox. Let us help one another and learn from each others experience. =)

P.S. I leave you with a little humour on the 5 steps of grief/denial. =P
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBlIoCzzvbg

Not my will but Yours be done

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." Luke 22:42

This was the very prayer that Jesus prayed on the Mount of Olives before he was arrested that very night. We can see that Jesus was as very human as we all were, probably going through the fear of dying or the intense suffering that he must endure in order to save mankind from the sins they have committed.

Sometimes in life we also go through similar situations, that we find it too much to bear, too difficult to strive forward, too tiring and burdensome. However, we must always be reminded that it is God's will that needs to be done. He brought us into this Earth for one purpose, that is to do His will. And of course to obey His every command and to carry out The Great Commission.

There were at times I wonder, what am I really doing here? Or when things don't go according to my way I'll be asking "Why is this happening to me?" Recently a friend of mine told me something that probably I wish it wasn't true but it is the very opposite of it. And there I was thinking "God, what is your plan for me? I've waited patiently and the answer that I received wasn't one I was hoping for." Yet after thinking through and talking to my parents, it is probably the best decision for now. I still have many more years ahead of me, there would be plenty of opportunities for such things to happen. Maybe God is telling me now is not the time for you to do such things and it probably will be done in the future.

A good friend of mine advise me, "It is not our will, but it is always God's will that needs to be carried out." Not easy, I admit for sometimes God's will is a tall order. Yet by His strength we shall endure every trial that comes in our way. Thus I shall continue what I am doing now, and whatever will He wants me to carry out. God's plans is always good, it won't conform to what we want but it will benefit us in the future. It's something that I'm still learning and still trying to do, even thou I feel disappointed and sad at times but I know all this is for the final race for God.

Glory be to God on high. Amen. =)

I'M SORRY

I'm sorry for not being there for u when u need me most.

I'm sorry I can't give u the best.

I'm sorry I was never a better BF for you. I'm sorry I can never be like others in campus.

I'm sorry for giving u hope when we were no longer together, for my actions, for what I did, for

what I said on Tuesday.

I'm sorry for what happened last Wednesday, for not acknowledging your presence, for not thanking you for everything, for simply ignoring you throughout the event.

I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt I have caused to you.

I'm sorry that it has ended this way.

I pray and hope that you will be able to find the one Mr. Right who'll treat you for who you're really are cause I'm definitely not that person.

I'm sorry I have lost you as a friend.

"Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord," Acts 3:19

I've repented on what I have done and now I shall move forward with faith. I don't expect a forgiveness from you nor even the slight hope of friendship.Heck, we might be enemies for life. However, I have forgiven for what your have done towards me; regardless whether you have done the same or not. For it is written:

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:14-15

I pray that Lord give me the strength to change me into a new person, to turnover a new leaf, to be somebody that is totally different from the old me. May Lord grant me this strength I seek. Amen.

21st Birthday Celebration

Had it like a few hours ago.. One word, AWESOME!! Why?? Cause

1) Thankful that some of my friends turned up even thou it was a really last minute thing.

2) Managed to celebrate my 21st birthday with my parents, seriously thought it would not happen.

3) MU won the title!! (OK, this was a bonus.. =p)

Thank you all for coming and thanks for everything guys.. Interestingly I received my presents in pairs this year.. 2 water tumblers (one is Starbucks btw, thx Jean!!), 2 boxes of Ferrero Rochers, 2 monetary gifts (finally no longer broke!!) and 2 books (Beatrice u con artist!! XD).. So is two my lucky number this year?? Haha.. Nah.. Guess one is.. LOL!!

Why one u say?? Well, cause I'm single again people.. Yeah, lots of shit happened and it's my fault for the shit to happen but in the end, I had enough.. And to be honest, I'm actually relieved, a lot more happier.. Don't know why.. Probably it's God's way of letting me know something better is lying ahead.. I thanked Him for finally waking me up, hitting me on the head with a gigantic hammer on my 21st Birthday.. So it's a mixed one.. It was bad in one way cause I've totally lost a friend now and it was good in the other way cause it has liberated me from the pit I dug myself into.. And also thanks to all my friends who supported me and make my 21st birthday a memorable one..

So what's next for me? Study hard, continue to seek Him and come back to Him (seriously I have deviated a lot without me knowing, thank you for showing me the way once again) and enjoy life as it is.. No point dwelling on the past, not after what has happened.. I apologized, I accepted responsibility, I've taken the blame and if that's all not enough then forget it.. Why hurt yourself any longer knowing things will never be the same probably forever right??

Now I have to concentrate on my coming CA in 2 weeks followed by my finals at the end of June.. Then I'll start thinking about other stuff.. Once again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!! XD

P.S. I wish you all the best in your future undertakings.. I do not hate you for what you've done.. I simply forgive and forget.. =)

5 months and I hit restart..

Well, I guess it's time to start a new from what has been a topsy-turvy 5 months right.. For some who know, guess there's no need explaining.. For others, I just gotta say, I'm back to single life again..

Now, before you all go into a heart attack and start calling me like crazy (or course that wont happen); let me clarify that I'm alright.. Sure, it's a bitter pill to swallow but life is such that you have to move on right? Like my friend said, "When life gives u lemons, make lemonades!" XD

Everything happens for a reason. In my case, it's probably better for the two of us.. There were happy moments, sad moments, frustrating moments.. And after much discussion the previous night and one last of thoughts exchange, we decided to mutually end it.. It ended on a good note and I'm happy that it happened that way.. I'm sure she is too.. =)

We still remain good friends.. I mean we still sms and chat over msn.. Probably I am still immature in this stuff.. I'm sure God has a higher purpose for me, that He's telling me to be patient.. I trust in His judgement and leave everything into His hands..

Thank u all out there who were concern for me.. You all have been a great help during our relationship and I really thank u all for that.. And a special thanks to her, you have opened up my eyes and let us just cherish the happy moments together while leaving the sad ones behind.. =)