Someone special

I really should stop drinking. This particular week I have been drinking nonstop. 4 mugs of Carlsberg on Thursday, a few whiskeys on Saturday, and now another 4 mugs of Carlsberg. In my defense, it was MU vs Liverpool, still I guess is no excuse.

Yet again my thoughts are turned to a certain someone. Someone that I hold very dear now, someone that is close to me, someone that I can consider my best friend now. Someone that I look forward to message every day, someone that I can share my life with, someone that was through with me during mty darkest period, someone who has given me hope once again.

I always wonder the "What ifs?" Fate after all, has a funny way of bringing people together. What started off as just wanting to gossip about someone's past love life ended up drawing 2 people closer. And of course, the fact that my last few posts of what happened to my marriage life, well I guess you get the point.

Again, I wonder, would I get another chance at love? Would I be deserving of having another in my life?

She is much more wary now, obviously no thanks to certain events that has happened in her life. And yet something tells me she also hopes that something can work out from this. I do not know whether I am overthinking or not. You know how they say, once you found that special someone that you can clicked with, you never want to let go. Ever again? I guess that is my situation now.

Despite everything that has happened, she is honestly the kindest, most gentle soul, I have ever encountered. Her desire to make sure that the other party is taken care of, is so unique to her alone. And yes, sometimes, I expect a bit more, or I do not know, maybe guilt trip a little. This is very bad of me, she has gone through so much, the least I can do is give her time.

If someone, is not at all interested in you, or treat you special, would that someone agree to go on trips with you? Spend their time with you? Look forward to every good morning, and good night? To ensure that you are safe? To make sure you have eaten? To buy things for you? To just enjoy moments with you?

Sometimes I wonder, at what stage are we now? And I am so so annoyed, angry even, that she is who she is today because of what happened to her in the past, because of how she was taken advantaged? And how that particular person is still doing this over and over again, never learning from his mistakes; while she is just learning to cope and overcome the ordeal that she has went through.

I really, really, really, wish that we could progress one day. I still hold onto that hope, that something can come out from this, that my dreams can yet still be fulfilled. However, I also need to be realistic that, sometimes our plans are not His plans, and what we desire might not be what is His desire or us.

Yet she is special to me and is probably the motivation that keeps me going in this life at the moment. I wish for so many things, yet again is just wishful thinking of me. A marriage, a family, children, grandchildren. I dare to dream again, because she has given me the reason to dare to belief such things are possible. And yet, these things are so fragile because of how fragile our nature is. 

And honestly, I do not know what the future holds, but I thank God that he has given me her. And I pray that she be the one, that I will be able to spend the rest of my life with.

Dreams...

 I dreamt.. Of a wedding.. 

In that dream, it was me.. and her.. and our families.. in a small church.. just among families.. I cannot recall if there were friends around, but I have already planned that if I am to invite people, it will be those close to me.. Very close..

As you grow older, you noticed your circle of friends get smaller. And that is the reality, that when you are at your lowest point; only a handful of friends are willing to check on you and make sure you are really well. The vast majority becomes like leaves, move along as they are blown by the win, maybe occasionally stopping by to say "Hi," but never long.

Do I crave for love? Do I wish that I have a second chance? Have I overthink so much until I dream about the wedding, a second chance. Can I even have another wedding in church after my first has failed? Will the church even accept? These are questions are so difficult to answer, yet I wish someone can answer them.

Can I have a future with her? Would it be even possible? Or would I end up second best again? So many of time I have ended second best, even my previous I have somehow ended second best. Am I destined to be single for life? Never to know the feeling of having a child running in my house? I do not know, I do not have the answers.

I dreamt of a wedding.. And sometimes, I wished that is the reality..

Why......

Why do I always, cause the other party to worry?

Why do I always ask or say the wrong things, at the wrong time?

Is it who I am? Is it me who always end up hurting or destroying a relationship?

Guilt tripping.. Something that I went through myself, something that was so hard on me as the other party used to guilt trip me so badly.

And sometimes, inadvertently I also do it to someone I care now.

Yes, I care for someone now. I really do. She has helped me so much throughout the months that went by, who stuck by me, who told me things will be alright, who helped me open my eyes and see the truth.

And yet, all I can do is just hurt, give worry, sometimes even guilt trip.

Do I even deserve a second chance, do I even deserve another chance at loving another person?

Or is it just who I am, someone who is destined to always cause a problem, a dent, a ripple in the relationship?

I wish I can answer this question, I wish I am more matured in handling this issue.

I wish only for happiness for the other party, and although I accept that sometimes there will be downs, but I don't want to cause more tears of sorrows than tears of joy.

I have made this person cried twice, badly, in the past. I have been cold, and even abandoned her during an event. Despite all is forgiven, till today, I do not think I can still forgive myself over that. 

And that is what also makes me wonder every night, do I deserve someone like her as my redemption, as someone  I can build my life with again.

I honestly do not know. I hope the answer will be clear, but as for the moment; "I cannot explain us," is probably the most amicable answer that I can get. 

A situationship that might not turn into a relationship in the end. And I have only myself to blame in the end.

11 years on....

4/4/24 - I didn't notice how perfect the date could be.

It couldn't be any better, to post again. Almost 11 years after my last post.

And even at that time, my last post was about relationship.

And here I again, typing, about my life.

Where to even begin? So much happened in the past 9 years, so much happened in the past 9 months. One moment you are married, the next moment, boom, you're single again. When you say your vows, you always think that it will be forever. You plan a life until you both grow old, talking about what will you do, where you will visit, how to start a family, where will you settle down, etc, etc, etc.

Yet life has funny ways of throwing a curve ball at you. To derail your plans, to ruin everything. And suddenly you are thrown in a limbo, unsure what your next step will be, unsure where will you go from here onwards.

Maybe the writing was on the wall, after all, no marriage is perfect. Maybe we were just patching wet tissue paper on a crack that was becoming so huge, you can no longer plaster it. Maybe in the end, we just drifted and decide to fall out of love. You can blame family, your job, your friends, your circumstances. Yet ultimately I would live with the knowledge that everything ended because of what was started at the beginning.

So where do I go from here? The sleeps, it has become less restful. I still get nightmares from time to time, I still wake up every hours on nights. Even at this time now, the reason I decided to put my thoughts down is because, it is slowly eating me from the inside. And so few, so very few know what is happening to me; I do not even want to share with my elderly parents, because I fear their hearts can no longer take it, to see their son slowly suffering as he tried to navigate this cruel and unjust world.

Could I ever stop blaming myself? Maybe one day yes. Maybe one day I will come to terms of what really happened. I did discover things in the end that makes me have some form of closure, that in the end it was not entirely my fault that I was led to belief in. And yet one could only wonder, what if, what if things were a little different.

And so where do I go from here? Where do I turn to? Where do I run and hide away? It is a very difficult question. At the moment I am just focusing on finishing my gazettement as a internal medicine specialist; and yes in the span of these 9 years I have graduated as a doctor, worked my way up to my post graduate and hopefully soon, to be recognized as a fully fledged specialist.

Honestly, to be very honest, I have loathed the person I have become. From a person who was once so sure about life, so secured about it, to now, this... A person who is so afraid of losing things, that tries to grasp hold onto everything he can. A person slowly drowning on the inside, where the nights become frightful, and the mind wonders to the very deeps of the darkest corners. I have probably gone through and overcome the worst of it, the first few months were torrid, but today a comment to me "Why your eyes look so dark, so sunken?," and probably for the first time in months I realized how much this has really taken a toll on my physical state.

This space, will now be the place I will start expressing my thoughts, and hopefully, it will be the beginning to the road of recovery. Honestly I wonder will anyone read, is BlogSpot still a thing today? No one knows. And probably no one ever will. And yet, I need a space to let it all out, and I can't constantly be letting it out on the people who I hold close me. It is not fair to them, this is after all my burden to bear, and mine alone.

And hopefully one day, I will be able to sleep well again, without the nightmares.

Second best

So once again I've came off second best. This is like becoming a norm for me. Haha. However as my friend put it, this is life, you have ups and you have downs. Now he will probably scold me for being a retard again for saying this, but I'm going to say it. The first one ended on 1st April 2012 (April Fool's Day), the current one 1st May 2013 (Labour Day). Any bets the next one will be 2nd June 2014 (Agung's bithday)?? XD

In both I've chased, in both I've confessed, in both I've prayed but no answer and in both I ended up second best. The only difference between the first and the second was I was better informed in the second one than the first. At least it didn't ended up with an email 10 days later. Haha. However that is in the past, now is the present. For the first I thank God that He opened my eyes, it was probably better that we didn't start at all. As for the second I'm still waiting for God's revelation to me. It'll probably take some time, like the first but I'm sure there's a reason behind it.

So what's next for me? Nothing I guess. I feel numb, that's all I can say but I'll get over it soon enough. As for now, there won't be anyone in this place that will ever fit my criteria. And I probably won't fit into any other girl's criteria either. The good thing is that in both cases, we are still friends, the second being closer friends. Maybe it's better this way. With so many things in between, maybe this is the only way.

For the second, I wish you all the best with the one you love. I really hope to see you happy, especially after what you've been through. 3 years down the road (if it all goes according to plan) I'll be anticipating a wedding invitation at my door step. As for me, I'll continue to pray for perseverance, wisdom and patience from the Lord. I guess the message 2 weeks ago on Isaiah 40:31, "But those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint", is reminding me to wait patiently for Him, for His good plan to be revealed.

All glory be to God, The Father. Amen. =)

Mizi Bistro

Today I'm going to start on something that I've never done before, writing a food outlet review!! Haha.. So forgive me if it's terrible k.. Also please fogive the terrible pictures, only a 2MB phone camera.. XD

The place: Mizi Bistro, New World Park, Penang

Now I've heard of this place like over and over again from friends, how nice the food is, how cheap is it and above all, the free flow of ice-cream. So yesterday my friends and I went to visit this restaurant, it was the first time for some of us. 

Mizi Bistro side view

Outside of Mizi

A bar inside the restaurant

Nice internal deco

The ice-cream section, FREE FLOW ICE-CREAM!!! =D

As you can see, the internal deco is rather simple but nice. However it's kinda cramped and small. And there were a lot of people, being a weekend and all. The staff were practically running crazy. It was a good thing we went there early, just before 7pm.

Set meals are priced  at RM 25 each and it comes with bread; a soup with choices of Mushroom, French Onion, Chicken, Carrot or Pumpkin; a main course of either poultry, seafood, pasta, sandwich, salad or vegetarian and a drink with a wide variety of choices. And yes, the free flow of ice-cream.

If one prefer other choices, there are the mean section (beef, lamb) and chef's specialties such as Surf & Turf and Classic Combo Three. One can also add RM 6 to the ala carte price of these choices to enjoy a complete set.

Various drinks and the bread

Mizi's Signature Mushroom Soup

Chicken Stroganoff 

Fish Au Gratin

 Classic Combo Three (Chicken, Fish and Lamb with a sauce for each)

Remarks:

The soup was awesome, one of the best Mushroom soups I've ever tasted. Portions of the main dishes were very generous and tasted very good. It came very fast too, probably cause we were quite early but there was no compromise in quality. I guarantee you would be full from the whole meal unless you are one that eats 2-3 portion in one go. =p

Highly recommend the Fish Au Gratin, it was a thick piece of fish, not the breaded stuff you get in most cheap places and it was very fresh. And unless you dislike cheese, you are going to love it. 

As for the Stroganoff, those were not chicken strips, they were so thick. However the sauce was a bit salty. Classic Combo Three is like a Mix Grill in it's own way and the 3 sauces complements well with the respective meat. And their mash potato, whoosh, simply awesome. Soft and buttery, it's one of the better ones I've tasted so far

Finally you have the free flow of ice cream. They are just common Nestle brands, scoop yourself and add desire toppings. However despite it being free flow I only managed to eat 5 scoops as I was really full from the main course.

Service in the area was good as well, friendly professional staff and the nice ambiance really sets the tone for a good dinner. However be prepared for really packed weekends and if you don't book early, you might not get a place.

Food: 8.5/10

Price: 8.5/10

Ambiance: 7.5/10

Here is their website: http://www.mizibistro.com/Default.aspx

Happy feasting!!

Boldness

A Summary of Rev’s Isaac SPCC Sermon on 15^th March 2013

By Jason Tan

Acts 4

Peter and John were arrested as they were speaking and teaching in the name of Jesus to the people. They threatened not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. However, instead of turning coward they pray instead a corporate prayer that is seen from verses 24-30. The following are the main points in that we can see in their prayer:

a.  You are the Sovereign Creator (Acts 4:24)

The believer’s acknowledge that God is the creator of all things, the One who made the heaven and the earth and the sea and everything in them. The word Sovereign Creator or Sovereign Lord is also seen used in Luke 2:29.

And as we see in 1Peter 4:19, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good. What is God’s will? For us all to do good as seen in 1Peter 2:15 and 1 Peter 3:17.

b.  Your enemies are fulfilling Your predetermined plan (Acts 4:28)

We see that the priests, the captain of the temple guard and the Sadducees were all trying to stop Peter and John from continue what they are doing. In verse 26, the prayer says “The kings of the earth take their stand and the rulers gather together against the Lord and against His Anointed One”; the Anointed One here being Christ. The same saying is also seen in Psalm 2:1-2.

However in verse 28 we see that God had compelled them to act as they did, but He willed to use them and their freely chosen acts to accomplish His saving purpose. This is also seen in Acts 2:23 where God’s purpose revealed through the prophets that the Messiah must suffer and die. In other words, they were playing into God’s plan and will to spread the gospel.

c.   Give us boldness to speak Your word (Acts 4:29)

When questioned by the rulers, elders and priest by what power or what name Peter and John were doing what they doing (v. 7), Peter was filled with the Holy Spirit and answered with great boldness (v. 8-12). It was basically giving the answer straight into their face. What boldness they have in the face of persecution!

And even with the threat, the believers ask for more boldness to speak God’s word. In today’s world, we have plenty of opportunities to share God’s word with others yet we lack the boldness to do so. We are even furthered encourage in Hebrews 10:33-34. May we ask God for boldness as how the believers in the early churches prayed for.

And what was the end result? The whole place was shaken (v. 31), an immediate sign that the prayers had been heard. The believers were filled with the Holy Spirit and boldly spoke the Word of God despite the warnings of the council. As we continue to read on in verses 32 to 37, we see that the believers one in heart and mind and shared all their possessions among them.

A prayer for the church: “Lord, give us greater unity, greater boldness, greater grace”

“True prayer is not telling God what to do, but asking God to do His will in us and through us” – Warren Wendel Wiersbee