She actually made me CRY.. And it HURTS A LOT

She did it.

She actually managed to do it.

I actually cried, cause the hurt was so bad. And it is stupid, because we are not even a couple. Yet..... Why does it hurt so bad?? I told myself that I would never cry cause of hurt ever again.. And here I am, crying yet again.. After so long..

As Myles Smith put it:

Oh, why'd you get me so high
To leave me so low? To leave me solo?
Oh, I was wasting my time
Hoping you'd call, but damn you're cold

We had a lot of misunderstanding, a lot of "grievances". She cancelled her plans to go for the Mid-Autumn celebration with her friends, I do not know, out of guilt? Out of pity for me? Out of frustration against me?

And I can see it was hurting her, she was not happy. She was no longer happy. She just shut down right in front of me. It was happening way too often. And how can I allow that to happen? I promised to always make her happy. It was something I told myself I would do.

Yet I went to do the stupid thing and decide to go out by myself, cause she didn't want to go anywhere. She wanted to stay at home. "What is wrong with staying  in?" 5 mins into my drive, this was a bad idea. So I turned back, make my way back after filling up petrol.

I came back, she was hiding in her sheets, the room dark, the lights off-ed. And I thought, alright, let us just sit in the silence. Maybe we could grab something later, or maybe not. It is okay. And so I went to take a shower.

And right as I came out, she was changed, ready to go out, albeit hurriedly. And she was 'forced' to join the celebrations. Yes I know I told her, she should join, she should not reject her friends. These are people that help her heal, and people who care about her. Yet she said she made up her mind, that she would not be joining them, and that I should drop the matter completely.

And then she walks pass by me. And she slams the door slams shut. Not even a goodbye. 

It hurts. It hurts a lot. Not that cause I expected it, but cause of the way it has been carried out. And she won't know, that I wept quietly in this very room.

Exactly one year ago, 17th September 2023, my ex-wife laugh and chided me as I laid sitting down, crying on the floor, facing the end of my marriage.

And I wonder, why today is such a dejavu. Cause exactly one year today, 17th September 2024, again I laid sitting down, crying on the floor. For someone I cared deeply, to just totally ignore my existence.

Does she know why it hurts? Does she even know why it hurts? Do she even know what is she slowly doing to me? Does she even still care about me? Do I even matter anymore to her, or to her life? 

I still keep the list of her likes, what she typed to me, how she liked many things and I am probably one of them too.. 1 year on, is that list still valid? Or was it just a fleeting moment, and now that moment is gone.

I guess this makes 2 out of 2 that my Mid-Autumn Festival is down in the dumps. And that is saying a lot, as usually I do not bother much with this kind of festivals. Yet, here I am, being a fool, again, to my own emotions.

This trip was a make or break, and I guess now it is a break. I guess I was just delusional, and dreaming. That I could have something with her. And now, it is time to wake up to the cruel, harsh reality, of this cold, unforgiving world we call reality.

So the answer to the question, do things even last? She asked me on 13/1/24, and probably at that time, thinking that it would not.

I guess not, since the person who asked that question made sure she made her answer loud and clear. In the end, it wasn't me who couldn't last, it was that I wasn't given the chance to last in her life.