Why......

Why do I always, cause the other party to worry?

Why do I always ask or say the wrong things, at the wrong time?

Is it who I am? Is it me who always end up hurting or destroying a relationship?

Guilt tripping.. Something that I went through myself, something that was so hard on me as the other party used to guilt trip me so badly.

And sometimes, inadvertently I also do it to someone I care now.

Yes, I care for someone now. I really do. She has helped me so much throughout the months that went by, who stuck by me, who told me things will be alright, who helped me open my eyes and see the truth.

And yet, all I can do is just hurt, give worry, sometimes even guilt trip.

Do I even deserve a second chance, do I even deserve another chance at loving another person?

Or is it just who I am, someone who is destined to always cause a problem, a dent, a ripple in the relationship?

I wish I can answer this question, I wish I am more matured in handling this issue.

I wish only for happiness for the other party, and although I accept that sometimes there will be downs, but I don't want to cause more tears of sorrows than tears of joy.

I have made this person cried twice, badly, in the past. I have been cold, and even abandoned her during an event. Despite all is forgiven, till today, I do not think I can still forgive myself over that. 

And that is what also makes me wonder every night, do I deserve someone like her as my redemption, as someone  I can build my life with again.

I honestly do not know. I hope the answer will be clear, but as for the moment; "I cannot explain us," is probably the most amicable answer that I can get. 

A situationship that might not turn into a relationship in the end. And I have only myself to blame in the end.

11 years on....

4/4/24 - I didn't notice how perfect the date could be.

It couldn't be any better, to post again. Almost 11 years after my last post.

And even at that time, my last post was about relationship.

And here I again, typing, about my life.

Where to even begin? So much happened in the past 9 years, so much happened in the past 9 months. One moment you are married, the next moment, boom, you're single again. When you say your vows, you always think that it will be forever. You plan a life until you both grow old, talking about what will you do, where you will visit, how to start a family, where will you settle down, etc, etc, etc.

Yet life has funny ways of throwing a curve ball at you. To derail your plans, to ruin everything. And suddenly you are thrown in a limbo, unsure what your next step will be, unsure where will you go from here onwards.

Maybe the writing was on the wall, after all, no marriage is perfect. Maybe we were just patching wet tissue paper on a crack that was becoming so huge, you can no longer plaster it. Maybe in the end, we just drifted and decide to fall out of love. You can blame family, your job, your friends, your circumstances. Yet ultimately I would live with the knowledge that everything ended because of what was started at the beginning.

So where do I go from here? The sleeps, it has become less restful. I still get nightmares from time to time, I still wake up every hours on nights. Even at this time now, the reason I decided to put my thoughts down is because, it is slowly eating me from the inside. And so few, so very few know what is happening to me; I do not even want to share with my elderly parents, because I fear their hearts can no longer take it, to see their son slowly suffering as he tried to navigate this cruel and unjust world.

Could I ever stop blaming myself? Maybe one day yes. Maybe one day I will come to terms of what really happened. I did discover things in the end that makes me have some form of closure, that in the end it was not entirely my fault that I was led to belief in. And yet one could only wonder, what if, what if things were a little different.

And so where do I go from here? Where do I turn to? Where do I run and hide away? It is a very difficult question. At the moment I am just focusing on finishing my gazettement as a internal medicine specialist; and yes in the span of these 9 years I have graduated as a doctor, worked my way up to my post graduate and hopefully soon, to be recognized as a fully fledged specialist.

Honestly, to be very honest, I have loathed the person I have become. From a person who was once so sure about life, so secured about it, to now, this... A person who is so afraid of losing things, that tries to grasp hold onto everything he can. A person slowly drowning on the inside, where the nights become frightful, and the mind wonders to the very deeps of the darkest corners. I have probably gone through and overcome the worst of it, the first few months were torrid, but today a comment to me "Why your eyes look so dark, so sunken?," and probably for the first time in months I realized how much this has really taken a toll on my physical state.

This space, will now be the place I will start expressing my thoughts, and hopefully, it will be the beginning to the road of recovery. Honestly I wonder will anyone read, is BlogSpot still a thing today? No one knows. And probably no one ever will. And yet, I need a space to let it all out, and I can't constantly be letting it out on the people who I hold close me. It is not fair to them, this is after all my burden to bear, and mine alone.

And hopefully one day, I will be able to sleep well again, without the nightmares.

Second best

So once again I've came off second best. This is like becoming a norm for me. Haha. However as my friend put it, this is life, you have ups and you have downs. Now he will probably scold me for being a retard again for saying this, but I'm going to say it. The first one ended on 1st April 2012 (April Fool's Day), the current one 1st May 2013 (Labour Day). Any bets the next one will be 2nd June 2014 (Agung's bithday)?? XD

In both I've chased, in both I've confessed, in both I've prayed but no answer and in both I ended up second best. The only difference between the first and the second was I was better informed in the second one than the first. At least it didn't ended up with an email 10 days later. Haha. However that is in the past, now is the present. For the first I thank God that He opened my eyes, it was probably better that we didn't start at all. As for the second I'm still waiting for God's revelation to me. It'll probably take some time, like the first but I'm sure there's a reason behind it.

So what's next for me? Nothing I guess. I feel numb, that's all I can say but I'll get over it soon enough. As for now, there won't be anyone in this place that will ever fit my criteria. And I probably won't fit into any other girl's criteria either. The good thing is that in both cases, we are still friends, the second being closer friends. Maybe it's better this way. With so many things in between, maybe this is the only way.

For the second, I wish you all the best with the one you love. I really hope to see you happy, especially after what you've been through. 3 years down the road (if it all goes according to plan) I'll be anticipating a wedding invitation at my door step. As for me, I'll continue to pray for perseverance, wisdom and patience from the Lord. I guess the message 2 weeks ago on Isaiah 40:31, "But those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint", is reminding me to wait patiently for Him, for His good plan to be revealed.

All glory be to God, The Father. Amen. =)

Mizi Bistro

Today I'm going to start on something that I've never done before, writing a food outlet review!! Haha.. So forgive me if it's terrible k.. Also please fogive the terrible pictures, only a 2MB phone camera.. XD

The place: Mizi Bistro, New World Park, Penang

Now I've heard of this place like over and over again from friends, how nice the food is, how cheap is it and above all, the free flow of ice-cream. So yesterday my friends and I went to visit this restaurant, it was the first time for some of us. 

Mizi Bistro side view

Outside of Mizi

A bar inside the restaurant

Nice internal deco

The ice-cream section, FREE FLOW ICE-CREAM!!! =D

As you can see, the internal deco is rather simple but nice. However it's kinda cramped and small. And there were a lot of people, being a weekend and all. The staff were practically running crazy. It was a good thing we went there early, just before 7pm.

Set meals are priced  at RM 25 each and it comes with bread; a soup with choices of Mushroom, French Onion, Chicken, Carrot or Pumpkin; a main course of either poultry, seafood, pasta, sandwich, salad or vegetarian and a drink with a wide variety of choices. And yes, the free flow of ice-cream.

If one prefer other choices, there are the mean section (beef, lamb) and chef's specialties such as Surf & Turf and Classic Combo Three. One can also add RM 6 to the ala carte price of these choices to enjoy a complete set.

Various drinks and the bread

Mizi's Signature Mushroom Soup

Chicken Stroganoff 

Fish Au Gratin

 Classic Combo Three (Chicken, Fish and Lamb with a sauce for each)

Remarks:

The soup was awesome, one of the best Mushroom soups I've ever tasted. Portions of the main dishes were very generous and tasted very good. It came very fast too, probably cause we were quite early but there was no compromise in quality. I guarantee you would be full from the whole meal unless you are one that eats 2-3 portion in one go. =p

Highly recommend the Fish Au Gratin, it was a thick piece of fish, not the breaded stuff you get in most cheap places and it was very fresh. And unless you dislike cheese, you are going to love it. 

As for the Stroganoff, those were not chicken strips, they were so thick. However the sauce was a bit salty. Classic Combo Three is like a Mix Grill in it's own way and the 3 sauces complements well with the respective meat. And their mash potato, whoosh, simply awesome. Soft and buttery, it's one of the better ones I've tasted so far

Finally you have the free flow of ice cream. They are just common Nestle brands, scoop yourself and add desire toppings. However despite it being free flow I only managed to eat 5 scoops as I was really full from the main course.

Service in the area was good as well, friendly professional staff and the nice ambiance really sets the tone for a good dinner. However be prepared for really packed weekends and if you don't book early, you might not get a place.

Food: 8.5/10

Price: 8.5/10

Ambiance: 7.5/10

Here is their website: http://www.mizibistro.com/Default.aspx

Happy feasting!!

Boldness

A Summary of Rev’s Isaac SPCC Sermon on 15^th March 2013

By Jason Tan

Acts 4

Peter and John were arrested as they were speaking and teaching in the name of Jesus to the people. They threatened not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. However, instead of turning coward they pray instead a corporate prayer that is seen from verses 24-30. The following are the main points in that we can see in their prayer:

a.  You are the Sovereign Creator (Acts 4:24)

The believer’s acknowledge that God is the creator of all things, the One who made the heaven and the earth and the sea and everything in them. The word Sovereign Creator or Sovereign Lord is also seen used in Luke 2:29.

And as we see in 1Peter 4:19, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good. What is God’s will? For us all to do good as seen in 1Peter 2:15 and 1 Peter 3:17.

b.  Your enemies are fulfilling Your predetermined plan (Acts 4:28)

We see that the priests, the captain of the temple guard and the Sadducees were all trying to stop Peter and John from continue what they are doing. In verse 26, the prayer says “The kings of the earth take their stand and the rulers gather together against the Lord and against His Anointed One”; the Anointed One here being Christ. The same saying is also seen in Psalm 2:1-2.

However in verse 28 we see that God had compelled them to act as they did, but He willed to use them and their freely chosen acts to accomplish His saving purpose. This is also seen in Acts 2:23 where God’s purpose revealed through the prophets that the Messiah must suffer and die. In other words, they were playing into God’s plan and will to spread the gospel.

c.   Give us boldness to speak Your word (Acts 4:29)

When questioned by the rulers, elders and priest by what power or what name Peter and John were doing what they doing (v. 7), Peter was filled with the Holy Spirit and answered with great boldness (v. 8-12). It was basically giving the answer straight into their face. What boldness they have in the face of persecution!

And even with the threat, the believers ask for more boldness to speak God’s word. In today’s world, we have plenty of opportunities to share God’s word with others yet we lack the boldness to do so. We are even furthered encourage in Hebrews 10:33-34. May we ask God for boldness as how the believers in the early churches prayed for.

And what was the end result? The whole place was shaken (v. 31), an immediate sign that the prayers had been heard. The believers were filled with the Holy Spirit and boldly spoke the Word of God despite the warnings of the council. As we continue to read on in verses 32 to 37, we see that the believers one in heart and mind and shared all their possessions among them.

A prayer for the church: “Lord, give us greater unity, greater boldness, greater grace”

“True prayer is not telling God what to do, but asking God to do His will in us and through us” – Warren Wendel Wiersbee

The dead blog that came back to live!!

Goodness, my last post was last October.. Seriously I have left this blog dead for too long.. Haha.. Guess it's time to start it up again.. However I really can't think of anything to post at the moment. So here is just a little update since last October.

Currently in my 4th year Term 2 of my MBBS Course, with another exam looming next week.. I've passed most of my papers from my 1st CA, failed one but I still thank God that I am able to sit for finals.. University is just bad as usual, so many lecturers leaving, I have no idea what the management is up to and Jaya food is well, being Jaya food.. And they can ask why so many students are leaving the hostel.. Get the hint already!!

Christmas was awesome, our AIMST CF Christmas Gig was a success again, all glory to God.. Chinese New Year was even more awesome despite the dwindling amounts of ang pau.. XD And I found a new hobby, posting pictures of food.. Haha.. Sound like your typical Malaysian but somehow it brings me joy to be able to share good food with the world.. And now I even have a group of friends who are 'torturing' each other with good food.. LOL!!

Seremban has grown a lot, lots of new shops, new hangout places, yet it still retains the slow pace live that most of us lack these days. Sungai Petani has a new mall, Amanjaya Mall and a few new shops opened.. So much has changed in the 4 years that I've been here.. Haha..

CF and Church (SPCC) has really grown, praise be to God.. The new committee has been formed, officially indicating my 'retirement' as P of the CF.. I really thank God for an awesome team, for the amount of changes our CF has gone through, new ideas that have been success and I pray that more will happen.. Church members have steadily been on the rise.. I'm now one of the student leaders there and even the assistant worship leader.. If you asked me when I first got here would I even be in the worship team I'll be like NEVER.. However God has a funny way of using us, and here I am guiding the juniors as I myself prepare to move on to Alor Setar..

Apart from that, I made new friends from the medical conference I attended back in September, hope to attend many more, missed out on the world in US because the cost became too high.. There's one coming up in April and another one in September, really hope I can attend these two to make up for the one I missed..

I guess that's a brief update on me for the past 6 months.. Until then.. =D

Wanna kill yourself? Think again..

Came across this article as a status post as one of my friend. A very good read. =)

Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you've written and rewritten over and over and over. You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. 

A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. 

The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. 

It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn't know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn't stop for days. 

It’s two years later. The whole school talks to a counselor/therapist at least once a week. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn't know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried… your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mum got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. 

People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we’ve NEVER talked before, I’m here for you. Copy and paste this as your status to show people there are people out there that care. Yes, I definitely care. =)

So before you guys decide to go killing yourself, think about it for a second the effects it can have on your family, friends, colleagues, etc. That's the message for today. God bless you all!! =D