Mess...

I went back to my own home, my first property that I bought to have a look since finally the ex has left the building.

And what was greeted in front of me was just.. a trail of mess.. Boxes left a strewn, the guest room still full of leftover cloths from previous bow business, a pan left unwashed, leftover vegetables and even an expired loaf of bread in the fridge, the gas stove hose still connected to the gas tank, and so much more that I cannot mention.

And I just sat down, thinking about it all, it was all too overwhelming for me. I shed a tear, a place that I used to call my own home, is now just a speck of its former self.

Where did it all go wrong? Where did it all went south? I sob, as I contemplate on the fate that has befallen on me. And I went about to clean a bit, for it was getting very very late and I need to go back to my workplace.

The icing of the cake was when I discovered a backflow of water from the kitchen outlet, pieces of leftover food and grease spilling out and from the drain cover, filling the air with a 'nice' aroma. And I begin to scoop the goo out by hand, and I mopped, and I cleaned, and I just went about my business.

I guess in the end, I deserve all this. I deserve what that has happened, and it has become my burden to bear, and mine alone. I became to doubt myself, what kind of a person I really am, would I hurt again someone I loved, would I destroy everything that was built, would I just be another bad person in someone's life.

I ponder all this as I type away in the wee hours of the morning, alone with soft humming of the air-conditioning in my rented room, with my own dark thoughts surrounding me. Maybe it is best if I stayed alone, for the remaining of my life...

Too emotional

Sometimes I wonder, if I get too emotional? If I have gotten so selfish that I forget to think about the feelings and situation of the opposite party.

I just recently attended a course in the Borneo regions, the course was important but there was someone important attending as well; hence that is the main reason why I went.

At that point of time, I thought I could handle things. That I thought, despite the warning, that it wasn't going to be difficult. I mean, how hard can it be right? I guess I was wrong. And I was selfish. I figured if I played my part well enough, it should suffice. There is time right? Even after course, we could hang out and just spend our time together before heading off back home to our respective locations. 

Or so I thought, and when things didn't panned out as it supposed to be, I guess I lost the plot.

I didn't think through of what it could affect the opposite party. And while it was not intentional, as she herself was caught in a unwilling situation, I guess I took it harshly and didn't think of her side or situation as well. And my emotions showed terribly, it was so obvious that the company I was with also noticed the sudden changes in my mood.

I guess, I was selfish. I wanted 24/7 with her, I wanted to do everything together, and when I saw that it was not the case, maybe I just snapped and became emotional. I would gladly tell everyone that she is someone special, that I could proudly show to the world. However I guess it will take time, and more time for me to understand everything that has happened. 

Sometimes I wonder if I have become aa hindrance in her life, has my presence also complicate matters. I guess there is no easy answer, and definitely this will be a long and arduous road. And I definitely should be more understanding of her situation, we after all live in a very conservative nation. It probably won't be easy to share things out, and my unfortunate brain thought of so much stupid scenarios that just didn't help the matter at all

I only hope to mature and be more understanding, and to improve on myself. To be more sensitive, more understanding, and definitely much more patient. Get yourself together JT, and continue to strive forward. And work towards a better future.

Someone special

I really should stop drinking. This particular week I have been drinking nonstop. 4 mugs of Carlsberg on Thursday, a few whiskeys on Saturday, and now another 4 mugs of Carlsberg. In my defense, it was MU vs Liverpool, still I guess is no excuse.

Yet again my thoughts are turned to a certain someone. Someone that I hold very dear now, someone that is close to me, someone that I can consider my best friend now. Someone that I look forward to message every day, someone that I can share my life with, someone that was through with me during mty darkest period, someone who has given me hope once again.

I always wonder the "What ifs?" Fate after all, has a funny way of bringing people together. What started off as just wanting to gossip about someone's past love life ended up drawing 2 people closer. And of course, the fact that my last few posts of what happened to my marriage life, well I guess you get the point.

Again, I wonder, would I get another chance at love? Would I be deserving of having another in my life?

She is much more wary now, obviously no thanks to certain events that has happened in her life. And yet something tells me she also hopes that something can work out from this. I do not know whether I am overthinking or not. You know how they say, once you found that special someone that you can clicked with, you never want to let go. Ever again? I guess that is my situation now.

Despite everything that has happened, she is honestly the kindest, most gentle soul, I have ever encountered. Her desire to make sure that the other party is taken care of, is so unique to her alone. And yes, sometimes, I expect a bit more, or I do not know, maybe guilt trip a little. This is very bad of me, she has gone through so much, the least I can do is give her time.

If someone, is not at all interested in you, or treat you special, would that someone agree to go on trips with you? Spend their time with you? Look forward to every good morning, and good night? To ensure that you are safe? To make sure you have eaten? To buy things for you? To just enjoy moments with you?

Sometimes I wonder, at what stage are we now? And I am so so annoyed, angry even, that she is who she is today because of what happened to her in the past, because of how she was taken advantaged? And how that particular person is still doing this over and over again, never learning from his mistakes; while she is just learning to cope and overcome the ordeal that she has went through.

I really, really, really, wish that we could progress one day. I still hold onto that hope, that something can come out from this, that my dreams can yet still be fulfilled. However, I also need to be realistic that, sometimes our plans are not His plans, and what we desire might not be what is His desire or us.

Yet she is special to me and is probably the motivation that keeps me going in this life at the moment. I wish for so many things, yet again is just wishful thinking of me. A marriage, a family, children, grandchildren. I dare to dream again, because she has given me the reason to dare to belief such things are possible. And yet, these things are so fragile because of how fragile our nature is. 

And honestly, I do not know what the future holds, but I thank God that he has given me her. And I pray that she be the one, that I will be able to spend the rest of my life with.

Dreams...

 I dreamt.. Of a wedding.. 

In that dream, it was me.. and her.. and our families.. in a small church.. just among families.. I cannot recall if there were friends around, but I have already planned that if I am to invite people, it will be those close to me.. Very close..

As you grow older, you noticed your circle of friends get smaller. And that is the reality, that when you are at your lowest point; only a handful of friends are willing to check on you and make sure you are really well. The vast majority becomes like leaves, move along as they are blown by the win, maybe occasionally stopping by to say "Hi," but never long.

Do I crave for love? Do I wish that I have a second chance? Have I overthink so much until I dream about the wedding, a second chance. Can I even have another wedding in church after my first has failed? Will the church even accept? These are questions are so difficult to answer, yet I wish someone can answer them.

Can I have a future with her? Would it be even possible? Or would I end up second best again? So many of time I have ended second best, even my previous I have somehow ended second best. Am I destined to be single for life? Never to know the feeling of having a child running in my house? I do not know, I do not have the answers.

I dreamt of a wedding.. And sometimes, I wished that is the reality..

Why......

Why do I always, cause the other party to worry?

Why do I always ask or say the wrong things, at the wrong time?

Is it who I am? Is it me who always end up hurting or destroying a relationship?

Guilt tripping.. Something that I went through myself, something that was so hard on me as the other party used to guilt trip me so badly.

And sometimes, inadvertently I also do it to someone I care now.

Yes, I care for someone now. I really do. She has helped me so much throughout the months that went by, who stuck by me, who told me things will be alright, who helped me open my eyes and see the truth.

And yet, all I can do is just hurt, give worry, sometimes even guilt trip.

Do I even deserve a second chance, do I even deserve another chance at loving another person?

Or is it just who I am, someone who is destined to always cause a problem, a dent, a ripple in the relationship?

I wish I can answer this question, I wish I am more matured in handling this issue.

I wish only for happiness for the other party, and although I accept that sometimes there will be downs, but I don't want to cause more tears of sorrows than tears of joy.

I have made this person cried twice, badly, in the past. I have been cold, and even abandoned her during an event. Despite all is forgiven, till today, I do not think I can still forgive myself over that. 

And that is what also makes me wonder every night, do I deserve someone like her as my redemption, as someone  I can build my life with again.

I honestly do not know. I hope the answer will be clear, but as for the moment; "I cannot explain us," is probably the most amicable answer that I can get. 

A situationship that might not turn into a relationship in the end. And I have only myself to blame in the end.

11 years on....

4/4/24 - I didn't notice how perfect the date could be.

It couldn't be any better, to post again. Almost 11 years after my last post.

And even at that time, my last post was about relationship.

And here I again, typing, about my life.

Where to even begin? So much happened in the past 9 years, so much happened in the past 9 months. One moment you are married, the next moment, boom, you're single again. When you say your vows, you always think that it will be forever. You plan a life until you both grow old, talking about what will you do, where you will visit, how to start a family, where will you settle down, etc, etc, etc.

Yet life has funny ways of throwing a curve ball at you. To derail your plans, to ruin everything. And suddenly you are thrown in a limbo, unsure what your next step will be, unsure where will you go from here onwards.

Maybe the writing was on the wall, after all, no marriage is perfect. Maybe we were just patching wet tissue paper on a crack that was becoming so huge, you can no longer plaster it. Maybe in the end, we just drifted and decide to fall out of love. You can blame family, your job, your friends, your circumstances. Yet ultimately I would live with the knowledge that everything ended because of what was started at the beginning.

So where do I go from here? The sleeps, it has become less restful. I still get nightmares from time to time, I still wake up every hours on nights. Even at this time now, the reason I decided to put my thoughts down is because, it is slowly eating me from the inside. And so few, so very few know what is happening to me; I do not even want to share with my elderly parents, because I fear their hearts can no longer take it, to see their son slowly suffering as he tried to navigate this cruel and unjust world.

Could I ever stop blaming myself? Maybe one day yes. Maybe one day I will come to terms of what really happened. I did discover things in the end that makes me have some form of closure, that in the end it was not entirely my fault that I was led to belief in. And yet one could only wonder, what if, what if things were a little different.

And so where do I go from here? Where do I turn to? Where do I run and hide away? It is a very difficult question. At the moment I am just focusing on finishing my gazettement as a internal medicine specialist; and yes in the span of these 9 years I have graduated as a doctor, worked my way up to my post graduate and hopefully soon, to be recognized as a fully fledged specialist.

Honestly, to be very honest, I have loathed the person I have become. From a person who was once so sure about life, so secured about it, to now, this... A person who is so afraid of losing things, that tries to grasp hold onto everything he can. A person slowly drowning on the inside, where the nights become frightful, and the mind wonders to the very deeps of the darkest corners. I have probably gone through and overcome the worst of it, the first few months were torrid, but today a comment to me "Why your eyes look so dark, so sunken?," and probably for the first time in months I realized how much this has really taken a toll on my physical state.

This space, will now be the place I will start expressing my thoughts, and hopefully, it will be the beginning to the road of recovery. Honestly I wonder will anyone read, is BlogSpot still a thing today? No one knows. And probably no one ever will. And yet, I need a space to let it all out, and I can't constantly be letting it out on the people who I hold close me. It is not fair to them, this is after all my burden to bear, and mine alone.

And hopefully one day, I will be able to sleep well again, without the nightmares.