Secondhand Serenade..

Secondhand Serenade.. 

I never understood their songs before.. But now I do.. I do so much more..

All these emotional songs, love songs, or songs from the heart, from the soul.. I never knew their meaning before this, nor the purpose of their release..

And yet.. These last few months, I finally comprehend them.. These songs.. They resonate with me.. And unfortunately.. I finally understood them..

It took such a life changing event, one that turned my entire world 180 degrees.. For me to finally understand and appreciate these things.. I leave tonight, leaving the lyrics of "A Twist In My Story" behind.. My life definitely has taken a twist, the biggest twist yet..

A Twist In My Story by Secondhand Serenade

Slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
So please just break the silence

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turned into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

I'm longing for words to describe how I'm feeling
I'm feeling inspired, my world just flipped, turned upside down
And turned around, say, what's that sound?
It's my heartbeat, it's getting much louder
My heartbeat is stronger than ever
I'm feeling so alive, I'm feeling so alive

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turned into laughter
And it takes away our fears
So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up and let your love right through me
I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up and let your love right through me

Cause that's what you get
When you see your life through someone else's eyes
That's what you get, that's what you get

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

This world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

Sleep

Sleep.

It is such a precious commodity these days. I used to be able to sleep so easily, to fall asleep to easily, to feel like secured in away.

The sad reality is that this easiness has left me since September 2023. I lay awake in the bed these days, up for hours, thinking about life, thinking about what has happened, thinking of a lot things that is happening around me.

I can no longer have the peace, the restfulness after a good nights rest. Even when I do fall asleep, it is waking up every 1-2 hours, looking, staring, before trying to drift back off into slumberland.

When will I be able to have another good nights rest? When will I ever be able to sleep peacefully? When will I ever be able to go back to bed without a care or worry for this world?

It may never happened. It may be a permanent effect. Maybe I have forever doomed into this cycle of torment. 

Sleep. How I have miss it.

Wake Up

I guess it is time to wake up to reality.

Two events. Two times. In the space of a week. Both times I brought nothing but fear, worries, a situation that cannot be explained. Two situations where the other party was emotional, hiding in fear, and of course the fear of being judged again.

It is until that it is almost criminal to be seen together by others, and yes because of the reputation that has been there in previous years.

Where did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? I tried to make her happy, I really try my level best. And yet I feel that she is only comfortable around when it is only the two of us. In an event where there are others, I need to give space, I need to hide, I need to 'disappear.' After all, I cannot be explained, after all, what is us?

Is this it? Is this how it has come down too. "I am happy with you, but I thought I was happy when I was with X also." Word that stung so badly.

In the end, it is my fault. I cause the situation that is at hand. I was supposedly freed and allowed to be happy again, allowed to live my life, given a second chance. I chose to be with her, and if I did get hurt in the process, it is all on me.

Wake up to reality, I guess that is the final message of the day.

Mess...

I went back to my own home, my first property that I bought to have a look since finally the ex has left the building.

And what was greeted in front of me was just.. a trail of mess.. Boxes left a strewn, the guest room still full of leftover cloths from previous bow business, a pan left unwashed, leftover vegetables and even an expired loaf of bread in the fridge, the gas stove hose still connected to the gas tank, and so much more that I cannot mention.

And I just sat down, thinking about it all, it was all too overwhelming for me. I shed a tear, a place that I used to call my own home, is now just a speck of its former self.

Where did it all go wrong? Where did it all went south? I sob, as I contemplate on the fate that has befallen on me. And I went about to clean a bit, for it was getting very very late and I need to go back to my workplace.

The icing of the cake was when I discovered a backflow of water from the kitchen outlet, pieces of leftover food and grease spilling out and from the drain cover, filling the air with a 'nice' aroma. And I begin to scoop the goo out by hand, and I mopped, and I cleaned, and I just went about my business.

I guess in the end, I deserve all this. I deserve what that has happened, and it has become my burden to bear, and mine alone. I became to doubt myself, what kind of a person I really am, would I hurt again someone I loved, would I destroy everything that was built, would I just be another bad person in someone's life.

I ponder all this as I type away in the wee hours of the morning, alone with soft humming of the air-conditioning in my rented room, with my own dark thoughts surrounding me. Maybe it is best if I stayed alone, for the remaining of my life...

Too emotional

Sometimes I wonder, if I get too emotional? If I have gotten so selfish that I forget to think about the feelings and situation of the opposite party.

I just recently attended a course in the Borneo regions, the course was important but there was someone important attending as well; hence that is the main reason why I went.

At that point of time, I thought I could handle things. That I thought, despite the warning, that it wasn't going to be difficult. I mean, how hard can it be right? I guess I was wrong. And I was selfish. I figured if I played my part well enough, it should suffice. There is time right? Even after course, we could hang out and just spend our time together before heading off back home to our respective locations. 

Or so I thought, and when things didn't panned out as it supposed to be, I guess I lost the plot.

I didn't think through of what it could affect the opposite party. And while it was not intentional, as she herself was caught in a unwilling situation, I guess I took it harshly and didn't think of her side or situation as well. And my emotions showed terribly, it was so obvious that the company I was with also noticed the sudden changes in my mood.

I guess, I was selfish. I wanted 24/7 with her, I wanted to do everything together, and when I saw that it was not the case, maybe I just snapped and became emotional. I would gladly tell everyone that she is someone special, that I could proudly show to the world. However I guess it will take time, and more time for me to understand everything that has happened. 

Sometimes I wonder if I have become aa hindrance in her life, has my presence also complicate matters. I guess there is no easy answer, and definitely this will be a long and arduous road. And I definitely should be more understanding of her situation, we after all live in a very conservative nation. It probably won't be easy to share things out, and my unfortunate brain thought of so much stupid scenarios that just didn't help the matter at all

I only hope to mature and be more understanding, and to improve on myself. To be more sensitive, more understanding, and definitely much more patient. Get yourself together JT, and continue to strive forward. And work towards a better future.

Someone special

I really should stop drinking. This particular week I have been drinking nonstop. 4 mugs of Carlsberg on Thursday, a few whiskeys on Saturday, and now another 4 mugs of Carlsberg. In my defense, it was MU vs Liverpool, still I guess is no excuse.

Yet again my thoughts are turned to a certain someone. Someone that I hold very dear now, someone that is close to me, someone that I can consider my best friend now. Someone that I look forward to message every day, someone that I can share my life with, someone that was through with me during mty darkest period, someone who has given me hope once again.

I always wonder the "What ifs?" Fate after all, has a funny way of bringing people together. What started off as just wanting to gossip about someone's past love life ended up drawing 2 people closer. And of course, the fact that my last few posts of what happened to my marriage life, well I guess you get the point.

Again, I wonder, would I get another chance at love? Would I be deserving of having another in my life?

She is much more wary now, obviously no thanks to certain events that has happened in her life. And yet something tells me she also hopes that something can work out from this. I do not know whether I am overthinking or not. You know how they say, once you found that special someone that you can clicked with, you never want to let go. Ever again? I guess that is my situation now.

Despite everything that has happened, she is honestly the kindest, most gentle soul, I have ever encountered. Her desire to make sure that the other party is taken care of, is so unique to her alone. And yes, sometimes, I expect a bit more, or I do not know, maybe guilt trip a little. This is very bad of me, she has gone through so much, the least I can do is give her time.

If someone, is not at all interested in you, or treat you special, would that someone agree to go on trips with you? Spend their time with you? Look forward to every good morning, and good night? To ensure that you are safe? To make sure you have eaten? To buy things for you? To just enjoy moments with you?

Sometimes I wonder, at what stage are we now? And I am so so annoyed, angry even, that she is who she is today because of what happened to her in the past, because of how she was taken advantaged? And how that particular person is still doing this over and over again, never learning from his mistakes; while she is just learning to cope and overcome the ordeal that she has went through.

I really, really, really, wish that we could progress one day. I still hold onto that hope, that something can come out from this, that my dreams can yet still be fulfilled. However, I also need to be realistic that, sometimes our plans are not His plans, and what we desire might not be what is His desire or us.

Yet she is special to me and is probably the motivation that keeps me going in this life at the moment. I wish for so many things, yet again is just wishful thinking of me. A marriage, a family, children, grandchildren. I dare to dream again, because she has given me the reason to dare to belief such things are possible. And yet, these things are so fragile because of how fragile our nature is. 

And honestly, I do not know what the future holds, but I thank God that he has given me her. And I pray that she be the one, that I will be able to spend the rest of my life with.

Dreams...

 I dreamt.. Of a wedding.. 

In that dream, it was me.. and her.. and our families.. in a small church.. just among families.. I cannot recall if there were friends around, but I have already planned that if I am to invite people, it will be those close to me.. Very close..

As you grow older, you noticed your circle of friends get smaller. And that is the reality, that when you are at your lowest point; only a handful of friends are willing to check on you and make sure you are really well. The vast majority becomes like leaves, move along as they are blown by the win, maybe occasionally stopping by to say "Hi," but never long.

Do I crave for love? Do I wish that I have a second chance? Have I overthink so much until I dream about the wedding, a second chance. Can I even have another wedding in church after my first has failed? Will the church even accept? These are questions are so difficult to answer, yet I wish someone can answer them.

Can I have a future with her? Would it be even possible? Or would I end up second best again? So many of time I have ended second best, even my previous I have somehow ended second best. Am I destined to be single for life? Never to know the feeling of having a child running in my house? I do not know, I do not have the answers.

I dreamt of a wedding.. And sometimes, I wished that is the reality..