Hurt

Sometimes I wonder is it my problem, that I can't sustain relationships, even if you can even consider that at the moment.

I still end up hurting the people I love the most, that I treasure the most. I still end up being somewhat deficient, lacking.

And despite trying my best, pouring my heart and soul into one, I still fail to achieve or leave up to a certain expectation.

Or maybe, it wasn't just meant to be. Maybe I was living in a fantasy world. Maybe I do not deserve any second or third chances in this life.

I should just closed myself, hide forever, and be forgotten by this cruel world.

As I lay typing this out in my own house, it is so quiet, that the dark thoughts are easily creeping in. Suddenly jumping down from the 15th floor sounds like a very plausible thing to do.

No one knows. No one knows my insecurity, my fear, my mental state that is so fragile at the moment. And the last person who knows about this, has also been hurt by me and also has begin to shut my off.

Maybe, there is no need someone like me in this world after all.

Secondhand Serenade..

Secondhand Serenade.. 

I never understood their songs before.. But now I do.. I do so much more..

All these emotional songs, love songs, or songs from the heart, from the soul.. I never knew their meaning before this, nor the purpose of their release..

And yet.. These last few months, I finally comprehend them.. These songs.. They resonate with me.. And unfortunately.. I finally understood them..

It took such a life changing event, one that turned my entire world 180 degrees.. For me to finally understand and appreciate these things.. I leave tonight, leaving the lyrics of "A Twist In My Story" behind.. My life definitely has taken a twist, the biggest twist yet..

A Twist In My Story by Secondhand Serenade

Slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
So please just break the silence

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turned into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

I'm longing for words to describe how I'm feeling
I'm feeling inspired, my world just flipped, turned upside down
And turned around, say, what's that sound?
It's my heartbeat, it's getting much louder
My heartbeat is stronger than ever
I'm feeling so alive, I'm feeling so alive

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turned into laughter
And it takes away our fears
So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up and let your love right through me
I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up and let your love right through me

Cause that's what you get
When you see your life through someone else's eyes
That's what you get, that's what you get

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

This world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

Sleep

Sleep.

It is such a precious commodity these days. I used to be able to sleep so easily, to fall asleep to easily, to feel like secured in away.

The sad reality is that this easiness has left me since September 2023. I lay awake in the bed these days, up for hours, thinking about life, thinking about what has happened, thinking of a lot things that is happening around me.

I can no longer have the peace, the restfulness after a good nights rest. Even when I do fall asleep, it is waking up every 1-2 hours, looking, staring, before trying to drift back off into slumberland.

When will I be able to have another good nights rest? When will I ever be able to sleep peacefully? When will I ever be able to go back to bed without a care or worry for this world?

It may never happened. It may be a permanent effect. Maybe I have forever doomed into this cycle of torment. 

Sleep. How I have miss it.

Wake Up

I guess it is time to wake up to reality.

Two events. Two times. In the space of a week. Both times I brought nothing but fear, worries, a situation that cannot be explained. Two situations where the other party was emotional, hiding in fear, and of course the fear of being judged again.

It is until that it is almost criminal to be seen together by others, and yes because of the reputation that has been there in previous years.

Where did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? I tried to make her happy, I really try my level best. And yet I feel that she is only comfortable around when it is only the two of us. In an event where there are others, I need to give space, I need to hide, I need to 'disappear.' After all, I cannot be explained, after all, what is us?

Is this it? Is this how it has come down too. "I am happy with you, but I thought I was happy when I was with X also." Word that stung so badly.

In the end, it is my fault. I cause the situation that is at hand. I was supposedly freed and allowed to be happy again, allowed to live my life, given a second chance. I chose to be with her, and if I did get hurt in the process, it is all on me.

Wake up to reality, I guess that is the final message of the day.