I thought I had managed to get my thoughts better, under control.
The last time my mind went haywire was end of June 2024, in Melaka, after finished hanging out with my friends.
This weekend was supposed to be a good weekend, attending conferences, watching a comedy show, doing things that we like.
And yet, once she left to go back to her place, I felt empty, alone, again. Why? Why do these feelings keep happening to me? You thought that things would have healed, or begin to heal? Then why do I still go through this over and over again.
I think, I am very good in masking myself. I am, I can pretend to be happy, to be the extroverted me. Social media would be alight of the good stuff. After all, we all put on a mask to bring a smile to people's face.
Yet I am envious, jealous, of people having complete families. Friends and colleagues, with their sons and daughters; and here I am, only can look back and wonder where did it all went wrong.
Forever coming back to an empty room, an empty house. Driving back alone, crying, sobbing away. No one knows the pain, no one will ever know.
I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, not even to my foes, because loneliness is the most crippling thing a person could ever face in their entire life.
Sometimes I wonder, I just wonder, a lot of what ifs, what if things.. were only a little different..
