A.L.L. A.L.O.N.E.

I thought I had managed to get my thoughts better, under control.

The last time my mind went haywire was end of June 2024, in Melaka, after finished hanging out with my friends.

This weekend was supposed to be a good weekend, attending conferences, watching a comedy show, doing things that we like.

And yet, once she left to go back to her place, I felt empty, alone, again. Why? Why do these feelings keep happening to me? You thought that things would have healed, or begin to heal? Then why do I still go through this over and over again.

I think, I am very good in masking myself. I am, I can pretend to be happy, to be the extroverted me. Social media would be alight of the good stuff. After all, we all put on a mask to bring a smile to people's face.

Yet I am envious, jealous, of people having complete families. Friends and colleagues, with their sons and daughters; and here I am, only can look back and wonder where did it all went wrong.

Forever coming back to an empty room, an empty house. Driving back alone, crying, sobbing away. No one knows the pain, no one will ever know. 

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, not even to my foes, because loneliness is the most crippling thing a person could ever face in their entire life.

Sometimes I wonder, I just wonder, a lot of what ifs, what if things.. were only a little different..

Work, Sleep, Drink, Repeat

My current life style

Work

Locum till 12 am

Sleep

Work

Locum till 12 am

Sleep

Sometimes I get back home 6pm

Somtimes oncall

Most of the time I can't sleep well, the days I can I still wake up every hour

To an empty bed, an empty room

Returning to an empty house

It feels.. different.. The hurt is still there, it won't go away..

They say times heal, I wonder how long I will take. I wonder will I ever heal. 

Do I still deserve good things? Do I even still deserve anything in life?

I don't know.

The only way to sleep now, is drinking. Get tipsy, get drunk, go to sleep. Wake up next day, regret. So I try to avoid doing that.

I need a new life. I need a new hobby.

Maybe I just need.. a bit more time..

Hurt

Sometimes I wonder is it my problem, that I can't sustain relationships, even if you can even consider that at the moment.

I still end up hurting the people I love the most, that I treasure the most. I still end up being somewhat deficient, lacking.

And despite trying my best, pouring my heart and soul into one, I still fail to achieve or leave up to a certain expectation.

Or maybe, it wasn't just meant to be. Maybe I was living in a fantasy world. Maybe I do not deserve any second or third chances in this life.

I should just closed myself, hide forever, and be forgotten by this cruel world.

As I lay typing this out in my own house, it is so quiet, that the dark thoughts are easily creeping in. Suddenly jumping down from the 15th floor sounds like a very plausible thing to do.

No one knows. No one knows my insecurity, my fear, my mental state that is so fragile at the moment. And the last person who knows about this, has also been hurt by me and also has begin to shut my off.

Maybe, there is no need someone like me in this world after all.

Secondhand Serenade..

Secondhand Serenade.. 

I never understood their songs before.. But now I do.. I do so much more..

All these emotional songs, love songs, or songs from the heart, from the soul.. I never knew their meaning before this, nor the purpose of their release..

And yet.. These last few months, I finally comprehend them.. These songs.. They resonate with me.. And unfortunately.. I finally understood them..

It took such a life changing event, one that turned my entire world 180 degrees.. For me to finally understand and appreciate these things.. I leave tonight, leaving the lyrics of "A Twist In My Story" behind.. My life definitely has taken a twist, the biggest twist yet..

A Twist In My Story by Secondhand Serenade

Slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
So please just break the silence

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turned into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

I'm longing for words to describe how I'm feeling
I'm feeling inspired, my world just flipped, turned upside down
And turned around, say, what's that sound?
It's my heartbeat, it's getting much louder
My heartbeat is stronger than ever
I'm feeling so alive, I'm feeling so alive

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turned into laughter
And it takes away our fears
So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up and let your love right through me
I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up and let your love right through me

Cause that's what you get
When you see your life through someone else's eyes
That's what you get, that's what you get

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

This world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

Sleep

Sleep.

It is such a precious commodity these days. I used to be able to sleep so easily, to fall asleep to easily, to feel like secured in away.

The sad reality is that this easiness has left me since September 2023. I lay awake in the bed these days, up for hours, thinking about life, thinking about what has happened, thinking of a lot things that is happening around me.

I can no longer have the peace, the restfulness after a good nights rest. Even when I do fall asleep, it is waking up every 1-2 hours, looking, staring, before trying to drift back off into slumberland.

When will I be able to have another good nights rest? When will I ever be able to sleep peacefully? When will I ever be able to go back to bed without a care or worry for this world?

It may never happened. It may be a permanent effect. Maybe I have forever doomed into this cycle of torment. 

Sleep. How I have miss it.

Wake Up

I guess it is time to wake up to reality.

Two events. Two times. In the space of a week. Both times I brought nothing but fear, worries, a situation that cannot be explained. Two situations where the other party was emotional, hiding in fear, and of course the fear of being judged again.

It is until that it is almost criminal to be seen together by others, and yes because of the reputation that has been there in previous years.

Where did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? I tried to make her happy, I really try my level best. And yet I feel that she is only comfortable around when it is only the two of us. In an event where there are others, I need to give space, I need to hide, I need to 'disappear.' After all, I cannot be explained, after all, what is us?

Is this it? Is this how it has come down too. "I am happy with you, but I thought I was happy when I was with X also." Word that stung so badly.

In the end, it is my fault. I cause the situation that is at hand. I was supposedly freed and allowed to be happy again, allowed to live my life, given a second chance. I chose to be with her, and if I did get hurt in the process, it is all on me.

Wake up to reality, I guess that is the final message of the day.

Mess...

I went back to my own home, my first property that I bought to have a look since finally the ex has left the building.

And what was greeted in front of me was just.. a trail of mess.. Boxes left a strewn, the guest room still full of leftover cloths from previous bow business, a pan left unwashed, leftover vegetables and even an expired loaf of bread in the fridge, the gas stove hose still connected to the gas tank, and so much more that I cannot mention.

And I just sat down, thinking about it all, it was all too overwhelming for me. I shed a tear, a place that I used to call my own home, is now just a speck of its former self.

Where did it all go wrong? Where did it all went south? I sob, as I contemplate on the fate that has befallen on me. And I went about to clean a bit, for it was getting very very late and I need to go back to my workplace.

The icing of the cake was when I discovered a backflow of water from the kitchen outlet, pieces of leftover food and grease spilling out and from the drain cover, filling the air with a 'nice' aroma. And I begin to scoop the goo out by hand, and I mopped, and I cleaned, and I just went about my business.

I guess in the end, I deserve all this. I deserve what that has happened, and it has become my burden to bear, and mine alone. I became to doubt myself, what kind of a person I really am, would I hurt again someone I loved, would I destroy everything that was built, would I just be another bad person in someone's life.

I ponder all this as I type away in the wee hours of the morning, alone with soft humming of the air-conditioning in my rented room, with my own dark thoughts surrounding me. Maybe it is best if I stayed alone, for the remaining of my life...