Mess...

I went back to my own home, my first property that I bought to have a look since finally the ex has left the building.

And what was greeted in front of me was just.. a trail of mess.. Boxes left a strewn, the guest room still full of leftover cloths from previous bow business, a pan left unwashed, leftover vegetables and even an expired loaf of bread in the fridge, the gas stove hose still connected to the gas tank, and so much more that I cannot mention.

And I just sat down, thinking about it all, it was all too overwhelming for me. I shed a tear, a place that I used to call my own home, is now just a speck of its former self.

Where did it all go wrong? Where did it all went south? I sob, as I contemplate on the fate that has befallen on me. And I went about to clean a bit, for it was getting very very late and I need to go back to my workplace.

The icing of the cake was when I discovered a backflow of water from the kitchen outlet, pieces of leftover food and grease spilling out and from the drain cover, filling the air with a 'nice' aroma. And I begin to scoop the goo out by hand, and I mopped, and I cleaned, and I just went about my business.

I guess in the end, I deserve all this. I deserve what that has happened, and it has become my burden to bear, and mine alone. I became to doubt myself, what kind of a person I really am, would I hurt again someone I loved, would I destroy everything that was built, would I just be another bad person in someone's life.

I ponder all this as I type away in the wee hours of the morning, alone with soft humming of the air-conditioning in my rented room, with my own dark thoughts surrounding me. Maybe it is best if I stayed alone, for the remaining of my life...