Come Alive

Just randomly looking at old YouTube videos, how people were making videos during the last pandemic, during the last MCO. It just felt like yesterday, but it has been really 4 years already. And so much has changed in the past year, for me personally.

I stumbled across a song, that I used to enjoyed so much as I worshipped. Come Alive by Collective KL, such an amazing song, and something that still impacts to me until today.

Go and check it out, when you have to time. It reminds me, how we all come alive, when God is in our lives.

Maybe that is what I need now, to come alive again. Enough with the emo-ness, enough with the sadness, enough with that self doubting, downcasting, and self-blaming.

It is time to Come Alive.

Lonely Road

I should quit

Or maybe I should just give up

It doesn't matter what I do, how hard I try, how much I try to strive forward

In the end, life gets to you, beats you down, throws you out, and aims to destroy you

As much as I hope for a better life, I just cannot see it. I find myself drowning, alone, the silence is deafening

No one is there, to notice, the broken, the sadness, the loneliness

In the end, in this world, you are all alone

And that is the unfortunate reality

This is the path that has been laid out for me, and this is the path I will walk, no longer deviating

As others are content and happy with their life, I slowly go downward into the spiral

And even the other person, doesn't even realize it, or maybe finds it to repetitive to bother about me

This is the path, that I have to walk alone

In the end, as Green Day says it, "I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known, don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone"

A.L.L. A.L.O.N.E.

I thought I had managed to get my thoughts better, under control.

The last time my mind went haywire was end of June 2024, in Melaka, after finished hanging out with my friends.

This weekend was supposed to be a good weekend, attending conferences, watching a comedy show, doing things that we like.

And yet, once she left to go back to her place, I felt empty, alone, again. Why? Why do these feelings keep happening to me? You thought that things would have healed, or begin to heal? Then why do I still go through this over and over again.

I think, I am very good in masking myself. I am, I can pretend to be happy, to be the extroverted me. Social media would be alight of the good stuff. After all, we all put on a mask to bring a smile to people's face.

Yet I am envious, jealous, of people having complete families. Friends and colleagues, with their sons and daughters; and here I am, only can look back and wonder where did it all went wrong.

Forever coming back to an empty room, an empty house. Driving back alone, crying, sobbing away. No one knows the pain, no one will ever know. 

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, not even to my foes, because loneliness is the most crippling thing a person could ever face in their entire life.

Sometimes I wonder, I just wonder, a lot of what ifs, what if things.. were only a little different..

Work, Sleep, Drink, Repeat

My current life style

Work

Locum till 12 am

Sleep

Work

Locum till 12 am

Sleep

Sometimes I get back home 6pm

Somtimes oncall

Most of the time I can't sleep well, the days I can I still wake up every hour

To an empty bed, an empty room

Returning to an empty house

It feels.. different.. The hurt is still there, it won't go away..

They say times heal, I wonder how long I will take. I wonder will I ever heal. 

Do I still deserve good things? Do I even still deserve anything in life?

I don't know.

The only way to sleep now, is drinking. Get tipsy, get drunk, go to sleep. Wake up next day, regret. So I try to avoid doing that.

I need a new life. I need a new hobby.

Maybe I just need.. a bit more time..

Hurt

Sometimes I wonder is it my problem, that I can't sustain relationships, even if you can even consider that at the moment.

I still end up hurting the people I love the most, that I treasure the most. I still end up being somewhat deficient, lacking.

And despite trying my best, pouring my heart and soul into one, I still fail to achieve or leave up to a certain expectation.

Or maybe, it wasn't just meant to be. Maybe I was living in a fantasy world. Maybe I do not deserve any second or third chances in this life.

I should just closed myself, hide forever, and be forgotten by this cruel world.

As I lay typing this out in my own house, it is so quiet, that the dark thoughts are easily creeping in. Suddenly jumping down from the 15th floor sounds like a very plausible thing to do.

No one knows. No one knows my insecurity, my fear, my mental state that is so fragile at the moment. And the last person who knows about this, has also been hurt by me and also has begin to shut my off.

Maybe, there is no need someone like me in this world after all.

Secondhand Serenade..

Secondhand Serenade.. 

I never understood their songs before.. But now I do.. I do so much more..

All these emotional songs, love songs, or songs from the heart, from the soul.. I never knew their meaning before this, nor the purpose of their release..

And yet.. These last few months, I finally comprehend them.. These songs.. They resonate with me.. And unfortunately.. I finally understood them..

It took such a life changing event, one that turned my entire world 180 degrees.. For me to finally understand and appreciate these things.. I leave tonight, leaving the lyrics of "A Twist In My Story" behind.. My life definitely has taken a twist, the biggest twist yet..

A Twist In My Story by Secondhand Serenade

Slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
So please just break the silence

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turned into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

I'm longing for words to describe how I'm feeling
I'm feeling inspired, my world just flipped, turned upside down
And turned around, say, what's that sound?
It's my heartbeat, it's getting much louder
My heartbeat is stronger than ever
I'm feeling so alive, I'm feeling so alive

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turned into laughter
And it takes away our fears
So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up and let your love right through me
I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up and let your love right through me

Cause that's what you get
When you see your life through someone else's eyes
That's what you get, that's what you get

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

This world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I have just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off you

Sleep

Sleep.

It is such a precious commodity these days. I used to be able to sleep so easily, to fall asleep to easily, to feel like secured in away.

The sad reality is that this easiness has left me since September 2023. I lay awake in the bed these days, up for hours, thinking about life, thinking about what has happened, thinking of a lot things that is happening around me.

I can no longer have the peace, the restfulness after a good nights rest. Even when I do fall asleep, it is waking up every 1-2 hours, looking, staring, before trying to drift back off into slumberland.

When will I be able to have another good nights rest? When will I ever be able to sleep peacefully? When will I ever be able to go back to bed without a care or worry for this world?

It may never happened. It may be a permanent effect. Maybe I have forever doomed into this cycle of torment. 

Sleep. How I have miss it.