She actually made me CRY.. And it HURTS A LOT

She did it.

She actually managed to do it.

I actually cried, cause the hurt was so bad. And it is stupid, because we are not even a couple. Yet..... Why does it hurt so bad?? I told myself that I would never cry cause of hurt ever again.. And here I am, crying yet again.. After so long..

As Myles Smith put it:

Oh, why'd you get me so high
To leave me so low? To leave me solo?
Oh, I was wasting my time
Hoping you'd call, but damn you're cold

We had a lot of misunderstanding, a lot of "grievances". She cancelled her plans to go for the Mid-Autumn celebration with her friends, I do not know, out of guilt? Out of pity for me? Out of frustration against me?

And I can see it was hurting her, she was not happy. She was no longer happy. She just shut down right in front of me. It was happening way too often. And how can I allow that to happen? I promised to always make her happy. It was something I told myself I would do.

Yet I went to do the stupid thing and decide to go out by myself, cause she didn't want to go anywhere. She wanted to stay at home. "What is wrong with staying  in?" 5 mins into my drive, this was a bad idea. So I turned back, make my way back after filling up petrol.

I came back, she was hiding in her sheets, the room dark, the lights off-ed. And I thought, alright, let us just sit in the silence. Maybe we could grab something later, or maybe not. It is okay. And so I went to take a shower.

And right as I came out, she was changed, ready to go out, albeit hurriedly. And she was 'forced' to join the celebrations. Yes I know I told her, she should join, she should not reject her friends. These are people that help her heal, and people who care about her. Yet she said she made up her mind, that she would not be joining them, and that I should drop the matter completely.

And then she walks pass by me. And she slams the door slams shut. Not even a goodbye. 

It hurts. It hurts a lot. Not that cause I expected it, but cause of the way it has been carried out. And she won't know, that I wept quietly in this very room.

Exactly one year ago, 17th September 2023, my ex-wife laugh and chided me as I laid sitting down, crying on the floor, facing the end of my marriage.

And I wonder, why today is such a dejavu. Cause exactly one year today, 17th September 2024, again I laid sitting down, crying on the floor. For someone I cared deeply, to just totally ignore my existence.

Does she know why it hurts? Does she even know why it hurts? Do she even know what is she slowly doing to me? Does she even still care about me? Do I even matter anymore to her, or to her life? 

I still keep the list of her likes, what she typed to me, how she liked many things and I am probably one of them too.. 1 year on, is that list still valid? Or was it just a fleeting moment, and now that moment is gone.

I guess this makes 2 out of 2 that my Mid-Autumn Festival is down in the dumps. And that is saying a lot, as usually I do not bother much with this kind of festivals. Yet, here I am, being a fool, again, to my own emotions.

This trip was a make or break, and I guess now it is a break. I guess I was just delusional, and dreaming. That I could have something with her. And now, it is time to wake up to the cruel, harsh reality, of this cold, unforgiving world we call reality.

So the answer to the question, do things even last? She asked me on 13/1/24, and probably at that time, thinking that it would not.

I guess not, since the person who asked that question made sure she made her answer loud and clear. In the end, it wasn't me who couldn't last, it was that I wasn't given the chance to last in her life.

Drift Away - Is It The End?

How can one slowly drift apart without trying, is that even possible?

Somehow despite on the surface everything looks fine, everything looks nice, somehow why does my heart tells me that something is slowly changing?

I miss the those little things that used to happened so spontaneously and happily at one point:

- the random messages

- the first good morning or the last good night

- the random food that I find at my door steps during oncall

- the need to always be there for me

- the staying up late nights just to wait for those last few messages

- the night calls which are so hard to come by these days

- the general feeling of being wanted, or needed, in someone's life

Can people drift apart without even trying? Or maybe was I delusional into thinking that something more could have come out from this? That the next step was possible? That somehow, I could have healed and moved on in this life?

Was I that naïve? Was I that blinded to think that maybe, I finally found someone who really suits me but in the end, it doesn't even matter? That somehow I would be stuck in this limbo, unsure of what am I to that other person.

Maybe I have come to visit this place too much, maybe now my presence is just like another normal thing in her life, maybe she just needs to "accommodate" me every time I come and it could be tiring, or even, something worst, for her.

And as much as I know her point of view, and her reasonings, somehow I just want to be included in her plans, in her outings, whenever she goes out with her friends, that I can be there as well. I guess my presence complicate things, there is no reason that can explain why am I even there, because there is none to begin with.

Because ultimately in the end, what are we? Nothing more than being good friends at this moment, and probably never will be more than that.

"Nice Guys Finish Last"

I never knew the real reason behind the lyrics of that song, now I do know. Maybe I have been too much of a nice guy, and hence, always finish last, always fail, even when I give it my all, it still falters. This is what it is meant to be in the end, to finish last, and alone, in a cold, rainy night in Stoke.  

Do thinks actually last?

Do thinks actually last?

She asked me this question way back in January 2024. At that time, I thought something was blossoming, something new, something afresh. After what I had been through, I thought maybe I was given a second chance.

Or maybe I thought wrong, or the chance came to early, or maybe it was not meant to be?

I always felt something was changing in May, or towards the end of May. Something was just well, different, subtly, but surely. The conversations ends early, the good night wishes slowly disappear. Now sometimes even the mornings are forgotten. Slowly we are sucked back into the reality of life, slowly going through the motions.

If this was like any other relationship, then yes, one could say this is a natural progression of things; there are bound to be ups and downs. However, it is not in this case, it is more complicated than that, it is a borderline between a situationship and two best friends just accompanying each other.

I wish I was more involved in her life.

I wish I could join her outings, meet her friends.

I wish I was asked to be the plus one at the recent wedding.

I wish that time with her will pass more slowly

I wish to know what we are truly are

I wish to have a closure to everything

I wish for a lot of things, and yet I know these are my thoughts alone. I am pretty sure she knows, I know it all too well. 

The funny thing about the plus one for the wedding, I quietly and secretly waited until the very last minute, that maybe, just maybe, she would ask "Hey, would you like to come?" or "Would you like to join the after party?"

Sadly, there was no such questions, and my thoughts linger on, or what mays. I ended up going to the Tiger Food Festival alone, because why not? There was nothing for me to look forwards to anyways. And well, when the next day message came as "I don't think I will be able meet you today though", it didn't come as a surprise. In fact I already had agreed to do locum for that day, because well, I was 99% sure I wasn't going to see her.

Here is the kicker. Exactly 1 year ago today, I left her, alone, after an event, and that would have been the end of everything. And till date, I still feel like shit for what has happened. Maybe she has already forgotten, but things like this, somehow, I will never forget. Yet now I wonder, 1 year later on, am I the one being left alone, after all the events that has happened?

So back to the questions, after all that has happened:

Do thinks actually last? Maybe now it is my turn to ask her the same.

Come Alive

Just randomly looking at old YouTube videos, how people were making videos during the last pandemic, during the last MCO. It just felt like yesterday, but it has been really 4 years already. And so much has changed in the past year, for me personally.

I stumbled across a song, that I used to enjoyed so much as I worshipped. Come Alive by Collective KL, such an amazing song, and something that still impacts to me until today.

Go and check it out, when you have to time. It reminds me, how we all come alive, when God is in our lives.

Maybe that is what I need now, to come alive again. Enough with the emo-ness, enough with the sadness, enough with that self doubting, downcasting, and self-blaming.

It is time to Come Alive.

Lonely Road

I should quit

Or maybe I should just give up

It doesn't matter what I do, how hard I try, how much I try to strive forward

In the end, life gets to you, beats you down, throws you out, and aims to destroy you

As much as I hope for a better life, I just cannot see it. I find myself drowning, alone, the silence is deafening

No one is there, to notice, the broken, the sadness, the loneliness

In the end, in this world, you are all alone

And that is the unfortunate reality

This is the path that has been laid out for me, and this is the path I will walk, no longer deviating

As others are content and happy with their life, I slowly go downward into the spiral

And even the other person, doesn't even realize it, or maybe finds it to repetitive to bother about me

This is the path, that I have to walk alone

In the end, as Green Day says it, "I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known, don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone"

A.L.L. A.L.O.N.E.

I thought I had managed to get my thoughts better, under control.

The last time my mind went haywire was end of June 2024, in Melaka, after finished hanging out with my friends.

This weekend was supposed to be a good weekend, attending conferences, watching a comedy show, doing things that we like.

And yet, once she left to go back to her place, I felt empty, alone, again. Why? Why do these feelings keep happening to me? You thought that things would have healed, or begin to heal? Then why do I still go through this over and over again.

I think, I am very good in masking myself. I am, I can pretend to be happy, to be the extroverted me. Social media would be alight of the good stuff. After all, we all put on a mask to bring a smile to people's face.

Yet I am envious, jealous, of people having complete families. Friends and colleagues, with their sons and daughters; and here I am, only can look back and wonder where did it all went wrong.

Forever coming back to an empty room, an empty house. Driving back alone, crying, sobbing away. No one knows the pain, no one will ever know. 

I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, not even to my foes, because loneliness is the most crippling thing a person could ever face in their entire life.

Sometimes I wonder, I just wonder, a lot of what ifs, what if things.. were only a little different..

Work, Sleep, Drink, Repeat

My current life style

Work

Locum till 12 am

Sleep

Work

Locum till 12 am

Sleep

Sometimes I get back home 6pm

Somtimes oncall

Most of the time I can't sleep well, the days I can I still wake up every hour

To an empty bed, an empty room

Returning to an empty house

It feels.. different.. The hurt is still there, it won't go away..

They say times heal, I wonder how long I will take. I wonder will I ever heal. 

Do I still deserve good things? Do I even still deserve anything in life?

I don't know.

The only way to sleep now, is drinking. Get tipsy, get drunk, go to sleep. Wake up next day, regret. So I try to avoid doing that.

I need a new life. I need a new hobby.

Maybe I just need.. a bit more time..