The Single Life

"So fucking close. Oh, and there's a woman. Yeah. A woman I love and I got close. Nearly got FUCKING EVERYTHING!!!"  

So many things happened after my last post.

It felt like years has passed by, and yet it has been only weeks.

I blew up so badly 2 weeks ago, so badly I said so much hurtful things that I now probably regret.

Yet words are more hurtful than a blade, for they cut deep and leave an unhealing wound that last a very long time.

You know there is a saying, if you haven't properly heal, you will end up hurting those around you. And in some ways I think it is true, for I ended up hurting more people.

Expectations always lead to disappointment. And hence I resolve not to expect anymore. Anything happens, I will take it as a surprise. Of course this means I will be harder to be pleased, or maybe the opposite might happen. Who knows.

And I have learn to finally let go, let the past, the pain, the suffering, the sorrow, let it all go. The one I hope for, has failed me. Or maybe I expected too much, and it was just not meant to be.

No point dwelling of what may or what may be.

No point hoping anymore. 

As Madara Uchiha once said, "Wake up to reality. Nothing ever goes as planned in this accursed world. The longer you live, the more you realize that the only things that truly exist in this reality are merely pain, suffering, and futility."

This is better. A single life. And maybe that is destined for me, to what I am supposed to endure in the very end. This is my punishment, for everything I have done wrong. This is indeed, the end meant for me.

How long more

I do not know how long can I go on anymore

I just do not know

I am tired, I am weary

And the journey has been long, tedious, and tiring

I hope the end is near

I really hope, I will get my answer 

Playing with fire

I shouldn't play with fire.

Because in the end I am the one who get burned.

Despite what everyone has told me before, I was just hoping I was wrong. And that people can change.

But I guess the only person who has changed, is me, and the only person who end up being a loser is me.

You pour out your entire heart to one person, and I guess nothing changes.

I can't sense it anymore.

I was just a fool.

Someone that was being used.

Some who hoped a lot, anticipated a lot, only to be hurt and cast away in the end.

I was always the loser.

This is my punishment.

I will never trust again.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

September.

The very word of this month, really scares me.

It has been 2 years in a row, where both my Septembers are terrible. Last year was the beginning of the end of my marriage and the whole month I was struggling with my mental health, weeping every night, sleeping on the floor, bathing with cold water.

All the time when I was putting on a fake smile and happiness for the world to see.

I thought this year, at least, the month of September would have been a bit better. Or so I thought.

Those who stumble across my blog know how shitty it has been, and it probably hurts a whole lot more cause the person who helped me through last September is slowly drifting away this September. 

Despite, all the apologies, somehow I think the hurt is way more deeper. Cause I trusted again, and let my heart and my own self to be hurt again before I could fully heal.

Not to mentioned, state maternal mortality, shit work, covering people's assess, and so much more eff up situations happening. 

"Wake Me Up, When September Ends"

Green Day's song release in 2005 was about Billie Joe Armstrong's father who died in September 1982. It could be interpreted in many ways.

And for me, it is cause of the shit that I have to endured for the past 1 year.

I really can't wait for September to end, and I do not look forward to another September.

The End Is Near

I began to reflect on myself, on why I reacted so badly to the things that has happened, to the recent week.

And then it dawned upon me, the beginning of the end of my marriage was the lack of communication. And somehow the end of eating together, where that is the best time we had to communicate about each other day and activities to one another.

I felt somehow, that is was slowly slipping away. I probably had more meals alone, then with her throughout this entire trip; and that was probably why I reacted so badly. I mean, I am already eating and cooking alone here, so when I went over, somehow, there was an expectation.

People always say, expectations will lead to disappointments. And they are not wrong. When an expectation is not fulfilled, it will lead to disappointments, and unhappiness, and frustrations. And all this will spillover, making the entire experience unpleasant, and leads to one hurting another, and both parties suffer as a result of it.

My own expectations, is what probably led to the deterioration of what we had, and my spontaneous nature, probably led to more problems, dilemmas and conflicts rather than happy thoughts.

I know she has found her happiness, good people to help her heal, and she has surrounded herself with people who will notice when she's down, or upset, or if anything were to happen to her. 

And I guess that was my role, to fill in temporarily until she has healed and moved on. And moving forward, I should probably learn how to let go so that somehow, she will be free and happy. And that is what is important to me. Her happiness.

I read a quote, not all relationships are meant to end on a happy note. Sometimes they just end, because the target has been achieved, it does not need to end in happiness, for it to be meaningful.

Reflecting on, this is probably what is happening. It was something meaningful, now it is probably the beginning of the end.

She actually made me CRY.. And it HURTS A LOT

She did it.

She actually managed to do it.

I actually cried, cause the hurt was so bad. And it is stupid, because we are not even a couple. Yet..... Why does it hurt so bad?? I told myself that I would never cry cause of hurt ever again.. And here I am, crying yet again.. After so long..

As Myles Smith put it:

Oh, why'd you get me so high
To leave me so low? To leave me solo?
Oh, I was wasting my time
Hoping you'd call, but damn you're cold

We had a lot of misunderstanding, a lot of "grievances". She cancelled her plans to go for the Mid-Autumn celebration with her friends, I do not know, out of guilt? Out of pity for me? Out of frustration against me?

And I can see it was hurting her, she was not happy. She was no longer happy. She just shut down right in front of me. It was happening way too often. And how can I allow that to happen? I promised to always make her happy. It was something I told myself I would do.

Yet I went to do the stupid thing and decide to go out by myself, cause she didn't want to go anywhere. She wanted to stay at home. "What is wrong with staying  in?" 5 mins into my drive, this was a bad idea. So I turned back, make my way back after filling up petrol.

I came back, she was hiding in her sheets, the room dark, the lights off-ed. And I thought, alright, let us just sit in the silence. Maybe we could grab something later, or maybe not. It is okay. And so I went to take a shower.

And right as I came out, she was changed, ready to go out, albeit hurriedly. And she was 'forced' to join the celebrations. Yes I know I told her, she should join, she should not reject her friends. These are people that help her heal, and people who care about her. Yet she said she made up her mind, that she would not be joining them, and that I should drop the matter completely.

And then she walks pass by me. And she slams the door slams shut. Not even a goodbye. 

It hurts. It hurts a lot. Not that cause I expected it, but cause of the way it has been carried out. And she won't know, that I wept quietly in this very room.

Exactly one year ago, 17th September 2023, my ex-wife laugh and chided me as I laid sitting down, crying on the floor, facing the end of my marriage.

And I wonder, why today is such a dejavu. Cause exactly one year today, 17th September 2024, again I laid sitting down, crying on the floor. For someone I cared deeply, to just totally ignore my existence.

Does she know why it hurts? Does she even know why it hurts? Do she even know what is she slowly doing to me? Does she even still care about me? Do I even matter anymore to her, or to her life? 

I still keep the list of her likes, what she typed to me, how she liked many things and I am probably one of them too.. 1 year on, is that list still valid? Or was it just a fleeting moment, and now that moment is gone.

I guess this makes 2 out of 2 that my Mid-Autumn Festival is down in the dumps. And that is saying a lot, as usually I do not bother much with this kind of festivals. Yet, here I am, being a fool, again, to my own emotions.

This trip was a make or break, and I guess now it is a break. I guess I was just delusional, and dreaming. That I could have something with her. And now, it is time to wake up to the cruel, harsh reality, of this cold, unforgiving world we call reality.

So the answer to the question, do things even last? She asked me on 13/1/24, and probably at that time, thinking that it would not.

I guess not, since the person who asked that question made sure she made her answer loud and clear. In the end, it wasn't me who couldn't last, it was that I wasn't given the chance to last in her life.

Drift Away - Is It The End?

How can one slowly drift apart without trying, is that even possible?

Somehow despite on the surface everything looks fine, everything looks nice, somehow why does my heart tells me that something is slowly changing?

I miss the those little things that used to happened so spontaneously and happily at one point:

- the random messages

- the first good morning or the last good night

- the random food that I find at my door steps during oncall

- the need to always be there for me

- the staying up late nights just to wait for those last few messages

- the night calls which are so hard to come by these days

- the general feeling of being wanted, or needed, in someone's life

Can people drift apart without even trying? Or maybe was I delusional into thinking that something more could have come out from this? That the next step was possible? That somehow, I could have healed and moved on in this life?

Was I that naïve? Was I that blinded to think that maybe, I finally found someone who really suits me but in the end, it doesn't even matter? That somehow I would be stuck in this limbo, unsure of what am I to that other person.

Maybe I have come to visit this place too much, maybe now my presence is just like another normal thing in her life, maybe she just needs to "accommodate" me every time I come and it could be tiring, or even, something worst, for her.

And as much as I know her point of view, and her reasonings, somehow I just want to be included in her plans, in her outings, whenever she goes out with her friends, that I can be there as well. I guess my presence complicate things, there is no reason that can explain why am I even there, because there is none to begin with.

Because ultimately in the end, what are we? Nothing more than being good friends at this moment, and probably never will be more than that.

"Nice Guys Finish Last"

I never knew the real reason behind the lyrics of that song, now I do know. Maybe I have been too much of a nice guy, and hence, always finish last, always fail, even when I give it my all, it still falters. This is what it is meant to be in the end, to finish last, and alone, in a cold, rainy night in Stoke.